July 06, 2017

Thursday

Mornings.

We a bit better. Played the game a bit last night and enjoyed it. Must of not had too bad dreams.We are still in bed feeling like we can't do anything and the crappy repetitions and unnatural internal loudness is still pretty high but we don't feel quite so physically weak and all vulnerable. People who are not physically close don't feel so so far away as much. They feel real and loving.

 Forgot a pill earlier on in the week and are a bit achey but we had a bath, had clean clothes to put on, made some pasta for our supper and now we are comfy and in bed. The new pal has shared her weed with us so we are not without when we would of been. Might not of had at all since she is the one with the contacts. She scarily into pills. We asked how the hell she pooped she said she didn't. That she had gone months in the past. We mentioned that could kill her to. We are like that. I wish she was a bit better read about the dangers in what she's doing we only vaguely know a wee bit and we don't really feel up for attempting to educate an adult in how not to kill themselves. Really hope she goes to see some kind of addiction person who knows about pills and can give her the basics.

Gives us mixed feelings of course and we struggle to identify when she talks about problems just "going away" with drugs, that's not a fantasy for us unless things are particularly awful but what know we crave is using weed and drugs to help us remember and explore them safely. She offered us Tramadol. We don't like Tramadol. Writing this we remember a phone call between an us and a tool. He asked why we said to some other tools years and years before that we felt different about it. Think what was happening is that they were asking parts for information to keep the whole system vulnerable and non functioning, specifically they were trying to get us/her to agree to long term drug addiction but there was to be some choice over what drug that was to be. What ever bunch of tools they were they either had no idea what they were doing or were dealing with a particularly integrated us because we had no problem with any of whatever they were pulling working or giving them bull shit that would please them and do the least damage to ourself then and there and in the future.

During the phone call to the British dude, it was British stuff we told him how the drug addiction wasn't going to work full time because the only drugs we would be interested in taking full time and long term would be ones that did not incapacitate us, were not physically addictive and helped us deal with the contents of our head and that wasn't going to work from their end because the whole point of allowing us drugs would be so that we would be physically incapacitated, become physically addicted to something so they could use it's access and withdrawal to force us into stuff and never be able to deal with what us and was happening to us. It was exactly what they did to children and besides when they had forced drugs and drug addictions onto to when they had you locked up it made it a lot harder to enjoy or accidently become addicted to something when the control and violence isn't as absolute.

He said something half of us didn't here. Those that did were furious, disgusted or dangerously triggered so we hang up and went back to bed.

We couldn't sleep right away though. We were a mess. Eventually it broke and we wept and as we explained to the person who was that it was good. It was actually relief because we had gotten so much more of us out from under the Brits. So glad we were not alone, alone with a slaver or a slave who hurts other slaves. It must of been after when we got back from Europe after seeing people we had to end all communications with twenty something years ago or we would never of had that safety or privacy or comfort.





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