July 13, 2017

We'll manage. It won't be for long. We were promised.

Gonna write about the pal. Not sure if its gonna end up being about the nasty controlled relationships in the past or just a good bitch coz we got no one else. "The usual" a history of sexual abuse and no support with it producing self destructive behaviour and relationship patterns. Genuinely heart breaking of course. Trusted family member or friend so she swears of ever telling her family who she is otherwise really close with. Drugs and shitty relationships etc after that. She turned away from the abuse into drugs instead of into it like Elaine did. We are not going to walk in on her telling the adorable little fucker than she is going to kill him, she isn't doing the same on worse to her lovely wee lad. We do have to hear shit like "didn't want to eat because it would ruin ma stone." from a grown ass working mother. 

Gonna look an Amazon for more bday presents.. She has helped her mood and got us up and about a bit today when we were quite abyssed up. Shitty dreams just sucking up any emotional resilience we scraped during the day. We read a piece on Russia phobia yesterday fucked uply thinking that it might be grounding but it went straight into saying what positive work Kislykak has done for Russian American relationships and wanted to delete the internet. 

We have written all that much what it was like battling Elaine, the police and the shrink and everything and so many more.. With the call with Laura where she admitted that both her and Margo were going to die and where going to do nothing to help protect the kids. They were both just fucking relieved they were getting out. Think we said to Laura that we would fight to stop the kids from going back to Aberdeen but we knew we it was impossible and hated her for forcing us to lie. 

Guess when even just look at that shit its amazing me and the alf are here at all.. But we learned early that to survive I had to believe I was fighting for more than this. Parts that want to die isolated arn't the parts that kick down the physical doors that need to be kicked down if being left alone to be possible, they can't fight that why they need to be left alone.. 

What we need right now is to put some potatoes in some water and apply heat and salt. We can do that.

 For all our misrable bastardness we did manage to wash and line dry both our sets of bedding. It's early but he's been in the bath and is now assigned to his room much to his disgust. We are batteling with an old 10p crisp addiction that we reignighted by buying a multi pack of beef Space Raiders. There is not over cooked buttered Jersey Royals and we keep reaching for the beef space raider.. its a disease.

Raining out there again. Glad we took the washing in and made the beds when we did. Gave the lad one of his birthday books a modern fantasy thing, that already is part of a big series we hope he gets into it cause he needs to be getting book that last him longer than an hour and he's already into dragons, spells and battles and stuff so surely can't go that wrong. We saw the "Harry Potter meets Lord of the Rings" add from some big paper, crossed our fingers and went for it. That's half an hour he's had it now and no complaints and no way he could of finished it in this time either.

We wish a bit that we were out there but it doesn't hurt like it has done to know how it feels to see swathes of a Scotland in July when it stops fucking raining and the cloud cover breaks. It's fucking Earth. It's stunning but it got all these massive exploitation systems that undermine the appreciation of everything.  

Not ending on that though...

Had that sentence there for a while now.. 

It's so good just to eat though, eating the wrong stuff or just too much stuff when you don't need to it will be there tomorrow and the day after we won't be back in the literal cold and dark and foodless again. 

We are feeling a bit like the very hungry catipilar. We don't won't to go down there. There is rolls and fryable food... ... 

Book is getting rave reviews.. There is free empty bags of Space Raiders at our lovely clean bedside.. But those rolls are brown and wont stay fresh for long..