July 05, 2017

For Lolly.

Antidepressant withdrawal is maybe a factor in particularly crippling depression even with the weed over the last couple of days. We forgot this month unlike most months where we have to put in for it twice. Garden is barely getting looked at and its been quite nice today so that's a shame. Spoke to the chemist and the prescription should be available tomorrow so hopefully we might have more of a chance of pulling ourself up a bit and appreciate how much work we have done a bit better soon.

We. Can. Remember. It is fucking momentous but of course we don't care so much about that because it's so awful and we knew knowing more about why we feel and act the way we do was not going to make it all radically and instantly better. We would be left in the same place in the same body with one less crutch and as much as we hate that particular crutch more than any other we knew we were still gonna end up on our arse which is where we are.

But we can think a bit about all the forces, rings, gangs, networks, powerful individuals and nation fucking states that have and are heavily invested in us not being able to write or talk or think about our Dad, or Mum, our sisters, our friends, our husband, our other children it is kinda remarkable that we have done it.  There will be stranded tinys in very dark cold places what will be petrified and we know thats an important this now to. There was so many of them. We never have time to reach them all. Some are able to follow something and crawl out by themselves but others just wont without some else here but we think we can probably cover them if the worst came to the worst and some "they" or other came for us.

The heads of the horror stories, the ones with the real powerful connections and knowledge head out to get their new instructions, their new network maps but there is nothing left where they are headed but information about what went on there, some details on how it ended and a shrine to the victims. Seen as its all Supremacist down here and no one but abusers talk to us few people even know they exist and when we tell them there is nothing there they are incapable of believing that could even be possible. I do know how much work or success we had in trying to make sure as many of them as possible believed their presence was requested. There wasn't even anything we could do back then to make sure they never came back we had to wait and hope some one would find out and ask us the right questions. Which they did. Thank fuck. It's not like they were just involved in slaughter and enslaving Earthlings they were involved in it other places to where there wasn't any liberalism or politics, pretendy or otherwise or any hope or freedom of any kind.

It's different now though. We are not alone like we are here in other places. Shit gets done and stays done and generally people and forces and networks and everything are pretty decent to us. We did have to say that there was things they needed to know that they would have to push to get out of us and thats wasn't pleasant but we told them they had to and it was necessary and worked and we were cared for well after.

Love you Sweetie.