July 08, 2017

Okay

Man these are quite like it used to be a lot pain levels. Pal came round and gave us some weed and that is very good she we also burst on various pills, talking about having lost weed, off the to get ready for her work and leaving her kid with family that are on tap.. which wasn't so good though. We can't help having a peak at whatever she asks us to chuck out for her. Not to the extent of unknotting a carrier bag or anything although we might of today.. we know the chances of her having missed any are extremely slim but we are in actual physical pain in that old place. We weren't up for asking her we have no money for the weed and we know that like us and the weed there just can't be enough pills for her. Just sounds so scary to us though. But one of just about anything she knocks back in handfulls would be quite helpful today probably. She fucking gave us weed though and we are reasonably certain not rapist who has raped us and not directly involved with violent white power organised crime. Can't argue with that.

No gardening happening today. We are in that weepy place still, worse. But not too bad. Either. It's the holidays we can take it easy.

We caved at the thought of cooking food, running out of bread and surviving on weed donations and phoned N who helped considerably. Pal got the weed for us but she is hitting everything so hard it was hard to enjoy her company. Kept asking the same questions that we had just answered minutes or seconds before. We got a bit narky with her and told her quite a few times that she should take less pills which isn't helpful to her but we didn't want to be enabling it its not like we really would have a problem with her being quite wasted but we struggled with the utterly wasted and we got annoyed enough to pick at her about it asking about someone we thought might of triggered it but it was maybe not all that unusual for her to be in that state. She did found the weed she thought she had lost. It was in the bottom of her bag. We had thought about suggesting that but we thought we had been a sarky cow enough.

Certainly lots and lots going keep her at arms length. Every now and then she will demand answers about us and we had a go at explaining the DID and she was quite sweet actually but that didn't mean much between repeatedly asked how long we had been sitting there, if she had been home and where her bairn was sometimes to. She was a lot more likeable when she was knew where her bairn was and it varied through out the time she was here. We made a joke about it as best we could. It was kinda funny at times but its kinda boring to being in company in that state you can't get them interested in anything. She would try sometimes though.

We don't want to just write about the new pal though. What we really want to write about is Lolly. But we pretty much still can't. She's amazing. Always was. So strong. We arn't joined up enough to be able to know if each other are telling the truth or not but some are saying she is safe and not just not being directly harmed but living and learning and loving.. That is one those ohmygod we can breathe again its been decades things..She was after the twins. I have no idea how long after. It wasn't the exact same abusers in the same rings but we were still there and it was awful but he wasn't there so we didn't have to be so close them hurting him any more.  But we were just states. So we have little idea about much that went on. We remember Lolly though and the way the babies would bring us back even when we really didn't want them to.

She was there last summer to. It was heartbreaking that we found it so hard, just impossible to be anything vaguely adult sounding around her. We had needed to be little to protect her as best we could and be able to find her some where safe and stuff happen and decisions were made between the two of us that we would have to stay like that and it was okay. She loves us. Pretend grown ups can come out at other times but not when we with Lolly unless they really really must. She is amazing and wonderful and beautiful and we will always love her.

Thinking about her always makes us take better care of ourself. She was just always good at looking after us and we could never not feel pride when we looked at her.