July 15, 2017

Again

Hey Honey,

Took some of pals painkillers tonight. She actually got a bit pushy with them we have told her before that we prefer getting wasted alone and writing and she didn't look to impressed. But we do. We would rather use them to help us remember and talk to you than listen to her deviate between between going on about how lovely drugs are to saying she is going to come of the pills. She has said that enough times that when she asked us if we were annoying us tonight we said "a little bit".. Our phone has died it seems now to so she probs thinks I'm ignoring her. Shame. It is trying though listening to addictions talking.

Not sure what you would think about her apart from the obvious stuff about her not being the utter sicko they set us up with last time but you don't like that she can be a bit oblivious to us. She does try to draw us out but all the drug talk can have us a bit triggered and tense. She has told us way more than she is not comfortable with and it is bothering her and its not like we are beyond bringing it up unhelpfully because we are in a place where we have no problem seeing a connection between trauma and addictions and can't keep out gob shut in face of constant unrelenting denial. It's not nice really but we understand we do it to break up the unbareable amount of crushing memories that brought up by the lofty impossible goals and promises that weren't asked for.

As is so often the case, she's a lovely lass with so much to offer but lost all confidence and I really hope she gets some back and not just because she would probably not be annoying at all then.

We are quite wasted ourself, what with the pills and the Guinness and the weed.. Wasted enough to remember you better. Especially since we have been doing that and trying to do that a lot anyway.  My god hasn't it been unbelievable horrific? We are getting glimpses of non dissociated torture and some of the conditions we have been forced into and don't feel the same split. We've got me back. I think.

We really wish we hadn't been hurt so much so there was more of us left for you. We know you feel the same about you. Your the only person we don't mind sharing a bed with. We should be together. We are trying to remember how it felt to see you again at the hospital after so many years of not. We had seen you briefly in other places but we knew you knew the parts that need you they most can't go out and about. Knowing you loved them and needed to reach them so badly when we couldn't reach them gave us what we needed keep going. Know we are remembering the waking up on your lap married and it being ok we were all little because you are just as bad and our giggle..

Yeah the memories we have chased with depression and drugs are doing our head in because you are not here and I am not there. Believe? Okay we will try we can almost remember how easy all that hope and faith stuff is when your around.

We love you. All of yous.






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