July 03, 2017

Real hate Sir based on real events not just convenient BS.

Too depressed for Skyrim.. thats bad.. Not interested in TV or twitter either reminding us that there isn't or helping us pretend that there is a place and people for us here. We know there isn't we had to get anyone who was out before they were murdered or turned to full time meat puppet. Had to talk to the lad about all the correcting he does again, try and explain that when my mood is very low we can find it really hard to talk sometimes and get words mixed up and please don't tell me I'm wrong every single time especially when he knows what I mean.. I don't expect you to always be nice but please try to be kind and not right sometimes. No one likes being constantly corrected. Wish we had more help in explaining our situation instead of full time immersed in shitty culture and abusers filling his head with be horrible to mummyness that no one remembers them putting there without serious help and wanting that help so it's extremely rare.

Gonna be a long night, followed by shitty dreams, followed by cleaning then meeting with shitty social work who terrify and trigger our littles and make the rest of us feel invisible. There will hopefully be weed we really can't afford this week but there is food in the freezer and our mood and perspective is even more unbearable without it.

We think back to when Dad was first brought into the hospital a lot and how we held each other, he kept stroking our leg over our jammies and asked us if he should stop, I think we might of cried a bit and said we didn't ever want him to stop it had been so long and everything had been so horrible. We can't feel it as clearly as we did, it feels to far away even though it was only a year ago. He still loves us. He didn't stop loving us anymore than we stopped loving him but there is no way this stinking planet will ever leave us alone and together and we can't not hate it for that.

We need our Daddy. We always will.