July 15, 2017

Stupid lonely dreams

Looks like another bed day then.. Little bits and pieces do get done in the evening. And its raining. Stupid uni/university town dreams again. Before we woke up we were standing outside with a crowd waiting to go into a lecture and the tutor was there chatting about the course and everyone else seemed to know each other and if they were in the right place or not. We may have dreamed this before where we decide this is not working and walk away from the lecture and whatever course we are supposed to be doing for good. It be good to not those dream any more, a lot of it is quiet literal we were registered at a old University, we loved the degree there was no degree we wanted more but abuse, abusers, poverty made it impossible.

Those parts made for uni still seem to be waiting at the door with the stationary packed and oh so keen. It's obvs not just a "uni" and "a uni town" where everyone else is connected enough to each other and has a concentration span that means they can remember where they are its society, culture, work.. family. Hope we really are starting to cut our loses and accept you cant get a degree when you don't know the course. There are aspects that are straight memories like lecturers confusing us for a normal privileged university middle class kid and talking to us like we knew where we were or where we were going. The was one this morning to I think, I'm just weeping and weeping in someone's office saying "they won't let me get my degree." There is someone there who is comforting us, patting us mostly and it doesn't feel inappropriate but there are saying very little and I think that conveys a resignation in the comforter that there is nothing we can do, they are not going to stop me from getting my degree and much much else and no one is going to stop them. It's quiet chilling.

It will e some old horrific loop we haven't got round to cutting open yet. They only let us near something to show how they will make sure it is not for us, that anything we can grab from it will be completely out weighed by whatever it costs us and should we win anything better for us the will turn up personally to fuck it and us up.

Hope your not all morbid and gloomy and bedridden as us. People are not supposed to survive that amount of trauma and we are worried that we might start believing that remember to much and just fall to pieces.. But we are more than "person" anyway so we can survive..

We do remember some dreams that are more than the depressed like we have been told we have had. Moments of usness but there is a phobias with them, that stuff is evil and turn away from it feeling because we know we have a lot of work there but this is hitting levels that vast amounts of the horror was built on.. "I cannot exist so this cannot be happening".. We have dreamed about watching lots of people dig and that felt better than all the isolation and denied opportunities ones. That programmed self phobia is going be a part of why we are still fucking here, isolated, confused and denied isn't it?

It must be close to the stuff when they showed us lots of the tech that was out there and what it could do and how it would be used if we didn't follow orders. It feels deeper somehow and we are not sure if it worked on them still having people and powers they don't have any more. We certainly don't have a clear sense of being terrified of us that they have forced us into in the past. We couldn't believe it when they showed us the tech and where it was. It was such a gift.

Nah we are more at the point where we don't understand how we can't help us and we know the internal phobias and denial are a big factor in that and they don't have anything like the power they had. Well so much of what we have been writing for months has been stuff that when they made us swear we would talk or write about we used to feel they had won completely and never could. But other parts always will whenever we can because they will kill us if we don't manage to get help to us. Is the really, really worse times really over? Hmm. We thinking about all the times the calls with Johnstons and people forcing us to pretend to be a Johnston in amongst the worst of it, central to the worst of it all. We done enough to keep them all back? We don't know til we try..

You could come look after us if wanted anyway we think we can be scary and strong enough for when they try the worst. It's not hopeless any more is it? But we are probs gonna feel that way for while yet its been so bad. I'm not that scared. We remember what fear is like when there is real immediate danger that we have to stop by ourself when we have no clear memories of anything and no strong sense of anything. Then we find the muscle memory and the being a computer when it comes to self defence and its is clear and strong and not letting us down if there is any physical abilities left in us at all. Things slowed down and we saw ourself debating and judging the best and quickest way to end him because he would be back with a bunch of mates soon after if we did anything else. Getting them to change to leaving us programmed to be little because they thought that would make us defenceless when it was the opposite and if they hadn't we and so many bairns would most likely be dead. But I guess there weren't as much trying to kill all of us as much as desperate to as many as possible and would of stopped when got what they wanted.

What am I supposed to do with me here like this? Stay cozy. I know.


Love yous.