July 23, 2017

Don't think we would make a good counsellor

ohmygod she is doing my head in.. We said today to. The addiction talk on loops. We told her to stop saying she is come off everything. It totally undermines all the sensible talk about getting her own place and getting help, rehab. She is living completely surrounded by a miserable past and not like us this miserable past can and will gossip about her and fairly treated like a child by her parents by the sounds of it so we did try encourage her to focus on one thing at a time instead of rambling on making ridiculous empty addict promises. Particularly bad for the ye olde self hate talk today to the point where we end up doing what we ended up doing with Laura and that was bringing up what happened before the drugs and the partying started knowing fine she would hate it but having tried everything else she could think of to stop the drone of sexual abuse victim putting themselves down. It's not like we haven't told her our past is horrific. It was impossible not to think of Laura a lot with the things she was saying and how it felt over the decades listening to her say the same shit over and over so obviously not capable of getting up again from the evil shit that is used to keep her down. Sitting in the same fucking kitchen listen to the same crap we were not amused.

We know is really pretty bad to trigger some like that and we do say lots of other stuff first, about self hate being a big part of the disease that addiction is, about how hard to impossible to break habits when in the same place, same routine that there is not much help out there but it is out there if and when you can put effort into finding it and not giving up at first hurdle, that there is a genetic thing with some people that makes it so hard for them to stop, talking up their good points and say they don't have to justify themselves to me, that it's so not fucking fair that the help they have had when they have reached out before is shit, that relapse is part of recovery, that there are by no means the only one and books are good place to start because you can read them at there on pace and it is easier with her not being Laura but we also know that like Laura she is a grown assed intelligent women who is more than capable of finding this shit out for themselves and know fine they are bullshitting and scheming to make it look like they are really trying to beat it when they arn't because thats addiction. The eyes glaze over and they go back to talking about how they just love getting wasted because it makes them feel like all their problems float away and we have to remind ourself not to disrespect them for it because its addiction, its a disease that infects people and is very stubborn.

It's exhausting but she was responding a bit to being told to shut it and seemed genuinely interested when we talked about the relaxation CDs we used to use. Unlike Laura there we do feel like she could learn to think different and manage feelings differently but we would rather not spend so much time with her when she's at the crossroads especially when we are hardly in a place to presume she is going to fine and not die.

Those cunts that were heavily involved in the white power control of the music industry are still dead though. "beautiful tortured souls" ... FFS.. 

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