July 20, 2017

"We knew it wasn't you."

We double booked our non refundable train tickets..Fuck ups are expected & that is quite a nippy one money wise. We are going to have to take even more money from Niall wot with the week we are away being skint week.. Very glad to have a few days away from our discomfort zone home anyway.

There is part/s we are concerned about though. The ones that were told they would never go any where for fun or comfort. They are to be taken places to be used, they do not going on glamping trips with their son. They don't laugh, they don't know how to have fun, they don't know how to feel safe or loved or loving. They are supposed to be the parts that they develop into being abuser prostitutes that will agree to anything being done to them and agree to doing anything to anyone else. We can remember standing in Skene as they tried to talk us into giving up on ourself and not being as the only way to survive. They didn't know how many of there was, who had had what done when so it wouldn't work as well on us as it had on them. Instead of meat puppet we remember a strong sense appeared through all the knowing and remembering nothing that we did know who we were, we were not them and we knew what we had to do as well it was simple we just had to not ever be them. We were so relieved.

We need to start to seeing if there are ways that we can widen our sense of who and what we are. When kept isolated we start finding it harder and harder to feel real without something definite and horrific to resist. There are many who this we encouraged it in ourself because we knew that if we have strong parts that only come out around abusers then they will start sending less abusers to us. It kinda worked but these tough AF parts are not going be able to resist the heavy high doses of whatever to incapacitate us, its a big part of why we are just terrified of people because they so often have be used, forced, blackmailed, paid to slip them to us. We are scared of Niall because of that. It's a horrible place knowing the family or people you live with could do something like that at any moment. Every cup of tea or food offered could be the last or put us back into years of being a rape slave and breeder. Horrible.

We talked some stuff through last year, this isn't a departure from everything being known about for a long time before. We have to involved in the security. The making sure abusers don't think we will do something we know we will, doing what we can to scuper their plans if they do know or are just covering their bases. We have figure out and find out the things we can't do and the things we can if we work really hard to keep them away. We got so used to seeing agents and officers whenever we go anywhere we stop noticing unless they have kids with them and are pretending to be family when they arn't we would notice that. Sometimes we would see them with their real families and we would end up feeling so glad that it wasn't us. No one was teaching those kids any better, they knew abuse and bullshit and nothing else, poor souls.

Some people actually believe it when they told that level of trailing and surveillance if for our protection but it's about triggering, intimidating and reminding us that we are powerless and that they will never stop controlling and owning us. So much easier to face all this shit now they don't have all that evil tech. Knowing your rapist can literally press a button and you will be incapacitated.. But its not just the bad guys that are watching us now while the good guys watch carefully crafted fiction often created by abuser institutions and authorities that make it seem like we are safe and cared for and not dying.

Which complex sophisticated shit but we've got parts that have complex and sophisticated down and friends who were good to us and other people so we had no problem sharing our tech and science with. I hope they get here soon.