..dear reader..

We often have to take a break from the books when we start getting clearer pictures of abusive outside DID management. So often we are not phobic of the trauma parts as there are parts who are phobic about the consequences if they don't stop amnesiac and non amnesiac parts from interacting. We worked through so much but then they would push us back again, in the hospital of course was the last time, there were phone calls and people turning up that we couldnt handle without outside help. When we came round and they were putting a noose around our neck, was the closest but there were other times to. Parts were flashbacking and blind didnt know what was going on. If it wasn't for the kid screaming I'm not sure where we would of got the will from to fight hard enough. She did though and we did and are still here to vaguely write about it and how quickly we switch from lost child to omg im so glad you just tried to kill me i was totally loosing the will to live there.. She...

Whatever we write about there is also more detail and more extreme content in our minds. There are so many no go areas in terms of what we can think about and what we can write. Saying that though even in terms of just what written there isnt any sense of being in any kind of family unit/home in the really early years and if you don't have parents you can't be abandoned by them. Of course we felt it and trusted people but learned very early that any care given was either grooming and from someone only doing so because they were instructed to or from another slave who might mean to be safe but certainly couldn't stop much harm from coming to us. Bonds between slaves can be very strong though especially between a child and and a adult in a vault/institute/warehouse.  Some of the Scottish memories are Louise's or other girls we were all forced to imagine over and over that something we saw or where shown was us using drugs and DID management can give you really strong mem...

We haven't done much today. Got Pabs off, crawled back into bed, no books or writing this morning. We have been thinking about Baby Malcolm. It would of been obvious that was where we were heading that way with the stuff we have been working with. Integrating Baby Malcolm's existence with parts that came into being since then and reaching out to ones still stuck there.  It's was that that made us Scottish that got us in this state where we can't escape a sense of being victimised, hated and powerless and if we remember anything its only ever the bad.   It was kinda cool in the hospital to go trigger big Malcolm a few times then take out our phone and ask again, "Where's the baby?" and see his flashback vanish and him smile as a child again and point to Pabs picture. "There's the baby." We did so well the to of us looking after and hiding him as two dissociated slave mental kids for as long as we did. He was thriving, we were thriving. Neit...

Cancelled the CPN. She isnt the one in Dundee who laughed at our disclosers and said it was ridiculous when we said we were trafficked by DJs and involved in the Dundee rings herself. Still though. Not travelling and spending money to present them with an opportunity to push us down. Rather stay home with duvet and books and get some actual positive work done. As well as read about inner and outer critics and grieving we swept and washed the kitchen floor then went for a pokehunt after school. Wish our outer critic would get off wee man's case. We know she is covering up for all the anger we feel about everything we went through with him at the hands of other people and everything we went through apart to. We don't know what to do with that anger. We know she is flashbacking to times when no matter what we were put through the night/days before we were expected to look after other children the next day. We know she is flashbacking to the abandonment felt as child who was not...

Well this weekend shows we have a long way to go when it comes to managing our time and energies. We are tired out from housework anyway but have probably gone a little to far with the reading and writing and not far enough with the pokemon hunts and engaging wee man. It's not just the perfectionism drive to get approval from ourselves and outside sources at how quickly we can remember and work our self out again its the urgency drive to. We know that when we are in a state of mind that can do something well or can focus and repeatedly come back to something without having to force our self that it wont last for long. We need to make the most of it before we dissociate differently, we are traumtised again or might die and loose the ability to do whatever we are doing. We were hiding in the book and the writing today to hide from feeling unable to do some of the things we wanted to do with his this weekend. We don't expect to deal with the critic and doom monger that trigger ...

We are loving Walker's Surviving to Thriving.. Particularly the stuff about "emotional flashbacks" and these being a huge thing with Cpstd defined as "sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being abused/abandoned child." (p.3). We understand our D.I.D being stages beyond Cptsd and where these emotional flashbacks have been constantly triggered so that this state of "overwhelming fear, shame alienation, rage grief and depression" and very easily triggered flight or flight instincts become the norm. We have been told that it is only when we are in these highly emotional traumatised states that we are "ourself" because it seems the only rational response to everything we have been through and everything that is going on. As aspects of us have felt is we are not in constant state of emotional flashback we are not honouring the dead, taking part in a culture of silence or making it easy for abusers to reach...

Quite heavy work that listing and identifying parts. We can feel how much some feel like they haven't been included. Like most of the non English speakers, scientific and technical parts who experience levels of integration and system awareness that we can't imagine from here. Seeing us write that we feel how left out they feel helps them. Knowing that you don't know parts of yourself who have complex lives and loves and the deep estrangement this creates is an emotional state we know we have been told to stay in and be triggered to return to often. We also know we have made commitments that need high levels of integration to be able to meet. It's worked out really well Walker's  Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving arriving. There is plenty of work to do at the level of thinking about complex trauma without remembering all the instructions and grooming it feels safer to be thinking in more general terms about how Complex PTSD works with or without ritual abu...

What else have we got? Speakers, there is a strong sense often when we make statements or are in meetings of this is my job and I believe and love my job whenever we speak.  I think they are parts that grew out of other much more trauma stuck parts after being helped and showed how by outside people. They encouraged us to look at parts and see what they needed and introduce them to other parts so they could support each other. So a part that was forced and trained to feel and hear nothing but questions and do anything to answer them for abusers who had the keywords and procedures so only they could bring them out and putting them away could grow being part of a group who were eloquent and very good at receiving information but not at other parts expense like a petrified isolated E.P would. Think from here we see parts that are "allowed" or can be seen and parts that are supposed to only influence or help but never speak or show themselves. Many of them of them were created...

Rest and appreciate what we have whenever we can. There is the book case with our books and toys on it. Survivor work books with pages filled in others that took us from a lost place to one grounded and understood. Books relating to our degree. We would to like study again some day and maybe we will do a little reading today or maybe not it's good the books are there either way. There is also the photo of Pablo in the glass work frame in blues because we knew we were pregnant with Pablo but its pretty to thing to have even if we were wrong about who we were carrying. He's in the bath giving huge gummy smiles to his mum taking his picture. There tonnes of meaning and significance to loads of with it of course but it's easy just to appreciate it as a cute picture of a baby. We have colouring books and pens and toys on that book case to. We feel happy and proud to have collected and kept a hold of some many good books and toys. We feel some sadness about books that there is...

How do I feel it asks. How do I feel after reading about dissociation and being told by such books that I should be working with them with an appropriate therapist.  I feel anger towards the NHS and hundreds or thousands of health service providers that are covering up for Savile and co and every other NHS pay roll rapist. I feel dehumanised that disclosers are labelled as fantasies and delusions and real fear from real experience and understandings about hows rings work are dismissed as paranoias.  I feel very unsafe of course I do. I believe in national health services. I also know British NHS was and is a safe place for abusers and enablers who are not going to care about messing with files, have you seen what they do to people? They love to gloat and prove to you that it doesnt matter who you are and what you do a few words from a ring member in your file and no one will ever trust you even if your words are proven true. The words aren't needed anyway the culture is so se...

We go back to bed and put some music on and come to write be don't feel like we have much left to say and how can that be true? Someone was wondering about the teddy we lowered down with the bomb what was in it. Like the stuff that makes you itchy all over but isnt the stuff they put in you and something like what we are but much bigger and much worse. Made sense to us last night but in the cold grey light of a school day morning nothing makes any sense and nothing has much meaning. Few good meanings anyway. We remember our eyes kept straying to the other lowering straps. Not as good at ignoring the voices as we used to be because we had forgotten where so many of them had come from. Yeah what are those other lowering straps for? Something that made us feel very sick any way and we weren't sure how stable "stable but try not bash it" meant so we needed to focus on what we were doing. We were confident that the parts that said that would of handed the job to us if t...

We were both switching in and out of Italian. We knew what we were saying and hearing most of the time but not all, so much of our life is untranslatable to our English speakers, we don't them to be triggered by remembering other better lives we don't give to them anything but definites we have been so close or felt so close to getting away from the British scene before and it almost killed us. We aren't sure we could take another. So many times we felt parts of our self go deathly quiet through so many awful ways, to feel they will be back and we will know them and us as we are with them, so much brighter and happier then have to see and always know in detail how it was taken away, from us, from everyone.. He knew the type of crying it was, little, stripped, cornered, starved us terrified for ourself. We did to. We kept trying to think of lots of other ongoing and recent events that gave us reasons to cry but we kept swinging back to knowing exactly what was the matter....

Tired. Been Swimming. So yeah really tired. No buses though so not weeping and suicidal tired. Just snappy tired. Don't remember the actual swimming the last time or if its actual real but remember being snappy afterwards but there was a warning at least, we get super tired after swimming, even if we don't do any actual swimming. We do remember we slept through dinner and then was super sorry about being to snappy and snappy about you saying it was ok and of course we remember the kiss. We talked about  a lot of stuff didnt we? That its probably a DID thing as well that makes always makes us so exhausted after swimming as well as a physical thing not that they are separate things, cant remember your profesional opinion or our response but we think you said something after it about us wanting to tie you to take a steak and burn you every time you sounded like a psychiatrist. We gave you an amnesiac "how did you know that??" frowny face. And then Little Voice "B...

Unsuprisingly bloody sore. Not because of physical reasons but because of what our mind let us in on, a bit more specific about the nature of state supported intergenerational extreme abuse and trafficking networks. Satanic as fuck. This really could be the last time our frontal lobes have to accept how bad it's been and how alone they made us. We hate victim blaming but we also know we have a habit of projecting good qualities and good intentions onto ring members when they have us cornered and cornered is what we are. We have been here before of course but were always pushed back and our fear of what the good doctor was always a factor. There is no way we weren't always vigilant to his wife, her family, Louise's family and their associates but he was a different story. We still had littles that loved him, that would tell them anything and show and trust him with everything when he was very much at the centre of a shit load of evil. He was their eyes and ears when no ...

Ug. Burn the lucky number 7s, burn the ones the roses and the pale blue elastic, burn this jumper, burn all the jammies.. Not a surprise. Attempting to give a timeline of Pablo's life and traumas didn't fit into an hour. Didn't feel to good after. Went for a mocha and a bacon roll felt like the most self caring thing to do. We were in a mess, kept looking for your car when we cant remember what your car looks like. Kept getting the image of a hatchback of some kind and colour driving away from us and feeling bad but couldnt work out any more. Fair few dry sobs, particularly when waiting for the bus and getting on it. We feel like we are done with wondering about who Pabs biological father is. An awful lot of questions that we have been bouncing of amnesiac walls have landed. Fuck. Us and our stupid wee strong girl fantasies, good bless them. They knew everything you were going to say to us was going to be an absolute kicking when already down so they kept you wordl...

The  day did indeed get better. Of course, we arnt so down we couldn't lie outside in the sun and that's a pretty good mood enhancer. Asda man came to and we did well when we ordered it last night. Not even ten past ten and he's sleeping. He was the same last night to. Just the one pokemon hunt today, he was happy to play while the stop recharged it was cool, we bickered a bit on the way there we were both hot and the school gates always messes with us a bit. We managed much better on the way back and for rest of evening really. Proper food again pork with attempt at a BBQ marinade that was good, dude scoffed it all before touching the new tatties and corn on the cob that wasn't brick hard raw. We don't do corn on the cob we do coleslaw. To much coleslaw. Slightly oversized for one person sized tub that we ordered. We refuse to understand the weight of anything we buy online .. Asda's extra special Cabernet Sauvignon is too nice. Seriously and it's a £5.. ...

Mornings aren't much better. Just want to cry still. Cry and cry. We put tv on just to have voices around. Don't think we can go for walks after school run we feel to emotional, cant trust ourself to not over do it and not get lost. There is never much here to stand up to the cynicism. There is only the battle to do the essential things. Did them. Dude was on be good mode to. Talked yesterday what sort of eggs he wanted to have for breakfast. It's a good breakfast he often doesnt eat bread with his eggs and thats good to. Probs wont take too long for him catch up with his weight. He didn't argue about the teeth brushing and that was an issue for both me and the foster carers. Packed his bag with everything he needed. Have to have another look for wide fit gym shoes. Size 6 normal ones are no good. Hope he does gym in bare feet or he will be tripping over the toes. Can't get over his size sometimes he is only a couple of inches shorter than me. It helps a bit when...

He's been alright, its a constant effort though, checking ourself when we get all naggy or impatient but we feel better for it. Three times out of the house, without fights thanks to Pokemon Go..Had to persuade me a bit. The morning.. was hard to get up.. and didnt eat breakfast. The thought of leaving our comfort of our bed to being up and about and responsible for shit is still a crushing thought. We had fried eggs for brunch after we got back though, banana splits later and chicken and noodles for tea. Kitchen cleaned as I went along. Chicken was marinated - all good. Gave myself a steam burn whilst cooking corn that we didnt give long enough to cook and is currently still in the micro - can't win them all.. We always knew his refusal to do things was him reacting to us not engaging with him and caring for him enough and we knew when he first got home he wouldnt be as bad and because we are present and engaging with him things would be much better. He went in the shower w...

Ah the "Actually"s.. and the sense they convey that he doesn't think we know anything about anything and the guilt we have when we feel frustrated and triggered that oor wee dude maybe will be a life long mansplainer.. Noooooo. I am his mum he wants and needs me to be boss, trouble has always been that by the time me and him and left together I'm exhausted and childcare is challenging without having already been burnt out, seriously depleted and undermined. Wish we could have more confirmation of anything that happened when we were in hospital. Seriously. Anything. You know how it feel to feel utterly lost and damaged and remember that recently, weeks, days, hours even minutes or seconds ago you were able to talk from a very different perspective. Self assured and aware instead of self conscious and no self esteem, confident and determined instead of inhibited and petrified. It's awful, you feel so badly betrayed by yourself and others. So trapped between a par...

Took much longer to talk ourself into finishing up the gloss than it did to do it. Could of saved ourself some brushes if we had remembered we already had some in a bag that would of been fine. Think we were making sure we didnt decide to paint more. We used up the rest of the natural wicker on the bits downstrairs that are looking really shabby now the upstairs has been done.  Bought cooked topside, new potatoes and carrots both prepared for the mirco and ate at about 4:30. Stuck a couple of frozen yorkies that will rolling about the bottom of the freezer in the toaster. They weren't there best, but the did the job of sooking up the gravy. After we had scoffed we grabbed a few rays outside then went in the bath. The new shower curtain still isnt up but hey cant do everything. Also bought another one of the co-op chocolate cakes and have done serious damage to it. He comes home tomorrow. We are so glad. And a bit nervous about it to though. We know we are in a very different...

Went through the big box of playmobil and took back some stuff. Dude is more into the weapons ran the flowers and trees and doesnt worry about the need for different coloured peoples (we like the ethnic get up but suspect it would bug us a lot more if we werent white and very happy with a flowery tshirt and a pony tail that is often how we dress as an adult) . Guess we had enough real weapons as a kid we aren't interested in playing with pretend ones. We often put the me girl in the centre surrounded by friends and animals. Pretty obviously really spend so much time on our own when growing up and still am today we love to surround toy me with people and places she loves. Yellow haired girl has lost her flower bonnet but gained a brown baseball cap and she's cool with that coz it means something to her and she's a bit of a tom boy at times, we all are.  It used to be really hard to watch other kids act one one minute and another the next, how could they just act like t...

Just us again. Which is kind of sad, some relief and some fear. There is a light shade to go up and another be changed and tbh we want to paint the wall its nearest - the one with the big colourful picture on it but not before the gloss on the remaining skirting and round the glass panels and any other bits missed so far. We eventually invested in a shower curtain we don't hate so that needs to go up to. Also the sticky back opaque plastic to cover the mother fucking safety glass. Yes that's right. safety glass, the stuff that has chicken wire inside in, inside a home in 2016. Just. Not. Right. Not feeling too pressured to do it right now we have today and tomorrow. Tbh we want a day off but dont we have everything or anyone we need for it. We are remembering our own advice about having to go own way and recognise we have to be careful about the advice we take from people who have no idea what we are. Not easy especially when your own on and the only advice and support to ha...

He's got the work that I couldnt do done today. I haven't done that much, little things mostly. Too tired and sore a lot to. The livingroom is done. Rug was put down. Curtains and lamp shade went up. Nothing really picked to go with anything else but it's good, not perfect but a massive relief that it the whole house now looks different to what it did. There a few more little things that we want to have done before junior returns but we can do them over the next couple of days without knackering myself. We have climbed under duvet to write, to be away from the t.v., to be tired and in pain and emotional. It is good to have the help but the more tired, in pain and emotional we are the harder it is to feel anything other than "can't talk to him" its not like we haven't repeatedly tried over the years. There was a little while back in the hospital when we could see and feel a life in Scotland very different from the ones we have had so far but we know we a...

What if it's all lies and I'm just a horrible liar? Well okay a really mad hallucinating person then?.. He will really help out. Especially with all the ladder bits I cant do. It's gonna look amazing. Tomorrow we have to try and figure out how to put the big rug down. The door is already quite difficult to push on the carpet. One of those things someone probably said the landlord said was going to be fixed years ago.. Should of grabbed the tablet but couldn't some how. Between and amongst the purple edging and the glossing and the visitors we are remembering lots more about our recent time in hospital. We dont have the confidence to repeat it but we do enough to recall and feel it, acknowledge it and thats is start. Love you both.

The feature wall is now purple. Very purple. Except for a little stripe along the bottom that I will probably do tomorrow morning. Bloody tiring. Good to be putting some proper colour about the place instead of trying to stretch out every single lumen of light that gets in here with pale shades. Have also taken my meds and went to GP to get more and added the mini pill. Pain has been around a little and your promise in regards to it GD remains unforgettable. . O.K. We can do it. Tommy, who gets sentence and a paragraph to himself. Claire, Deek, Lynne, Nathan, Adam, Gran P? Bill? wider circles? Surely I just watched this in a film and got confused. If I wasn't up for the first funeral we are hardly going to have made to any of others. Not on my own anyway. It the state we were in. We DID pin balled throughout mostly being others that have been trapped, their accents and memories we were too punished to let out.  Sometimes we couldnt walk, or see, or talk ..etc.. It always goo...

It is done. Well not all of it. Impossible to not miss the odd patch and didnt do the skirting on the other side. But one of the jobs that has always bugged us about this house has been done.Didnt clean as much as we should. Much just painted over rather than removed.. Makes sense to leave one side dry so that can be the side the stay close to when walking up and down the stairs, we intend to not do to much of that for the rest of the day and are having a rest in bed, Doctors orders. Guess you said to lean on whatever we need to lean on short term, until you get here.. And after the call we just had.. We don't feel like we need to lean, although we know we will. Feel like celebrating and making the most of having house to myself because it wont be long. Fuck yeah. Lounged since the call from social work. Which we would of been doing anyway. Am leaning on/celebrating/making most of time with wine again and had some fish and chips. We cant pasta for supper. Don't think I wil...

Today we were up pretty early, took our meds. It was warm enough to sit outside and drink tea and smoke. Made doctors appointment, told landlords assistant about needed repairs, Then tidied up, swept and washed the kitchen floor. Internally all our thoughts as far as you are concerned blog are all "can barely think it, never mind write it or say it". Everything that was happening during the first weeks I was hospital. Where it leaves me now. Trying to figure out, remember and communicate what happened during those weeks. Emailed the social worker. He had said he might be coming over and we didn't want to see him, especially not when we are on our own. We washed the throw that was on Tommy's wall. It was pretty grubby and had fallen down weeks ago. Don't think it will go back up but its bright and beautiful so we might change our mind. Hoovered a bit. We took breaks in the sunshine and ate a cheese roll and ham. Then a strawberry fruit corner later on after soci...