August 16, 2016

try not to be too cynical...

He's been alright, its a constant effort though, checking ourself when we get all naggy or impatient but we feel better for it. Three times out of the house, without fights thanks to Pokemon Go..Had to persuade me a bit. The morning.. was hard to get up.. and didnt eat breakfast. The thought of leaving our comfort of our bed to being up and about and responsible for shit is still a crushing thought. We had fried eggs for brunch after we got back though, banana splits later and chicken and noodles for tea. Kitchen cleaned as I went along. Chicken was marinated - all good. Gave myself a steam burn whilst cooking corn that we didnt give long enough to cook and is currently still in the micro - can't win them all..

We always knew his refusal to do things was him reacting to us not engaging with him and caring for him enough and we knew when he first got home he wouldnt be as bad and because we are present and engaging with him things would be much better. He went in the shower with too much persuasion and has been brushing his teeth at night ok, I did it last night though on his first night home. Did social worker scary man have go at us coz he was an eight year old boy and I still brushed his teeth for him sometimes.. ....

Glorious day. Tanned topped and made a small effort to water, weed and tidy up the part of the back garden. Another easy drying day so dude got much the blanket his foster carers gave him without last nights glowing spatters. The goddam lucky 7s have been washed and dried again and put on again to.. we had a epsom salts and bio oil and candles bath.. was a bit too hot.. wine of course and other mild stuff. We have always hated the way medications make you see the passage of time, its worse with the ones that have the day of the week on them. It's not me thats worried of course. It's the littles. They are awake and looking to not be clinging on by their finger nails any more. You did that. We might of made it possible but you did it..  I'm worried I can't give them what they need.

Still struggle with engaging him and not the contents of our head.. We will always struggle with that with everyone though! Today its been what to do, what to expect, what it's ok to hope for in terms of the appointment with kid shrink. It's the day after tomorrow though so we have decided to spend the cash and go. That bus ride twice in one day tends to make me not up for much else anyway so the taxi which would be the only way to get there in time anyway makes sense. Not that its the appointment that we are stressing about its the thought of leaving the place after with the contact still in place. Getting too old for the "look on the brightside" hey at least he is getting help and I am being a good girl and speaking to them and being what they might allow.

But there is who I am of course and serious inner and outer resources we have but we would prefer to not be going into it alone.