August 19, 2016

Friday.



Unsuprisingly bloody sore. Not because of physical reasons but because of what our mind let us in on, a bit more specific about the nature of state supported intergenerational extreme abuse and trafficking networks. Satanic as fuck. This really could be the last time our frontal lobes have to accept how bad it's been and how alone they made us.

We hate victim blaming but we also know we have a habit of projecting good qualities and good intentions onto ring members when they have us cornered and cornered is what we are. We have been here before of course but were always pushed back and our fear of what the good doctor was always a factor. There is no way we weren't always vigilant to his wife, her family, Louise's family and their associates but he was a different story. We still had littles that loved him, that would tell them anything and show and trust him with everything when he was very much at the centre of a shit load of evil. He was their eyes and ears when no way any of them could get any where near us all because he could have us hoping. Hoping that a lot of what has happened over the last year or so wouldnt happen, trauma exhausted littles are not good at child care they know this and the rings make things happen after giving them children to look after to make them feel even worse. He kept us in that state by pushing us back and convincing littles they had to push us back whenever we remembered about him.

Physically never hurt us. Was always gentle but never saw us. Not like he saw and heard the rings that had him. And they made him watch a lot of what they were doing to us whenever they had us like they had him. It was so hard to get away with his awful littles shutting down any escape attempt and his lovely littles just wanting to hold us when all of us just wanted that to.  We would see the Dorothy and friends in the poppy field sometimes, when the auditory hallucinations started and we hearing the music and the voices we knew we were in serious danger but sometimes there was nothing we could do we had no numbers and couldn't do any of things we do when we have no numbers either.

It all came out in sessions with Jacqui. She told us about it when we were already down and it felt like they had us in a place where they could tell us we were going to die some way soon and we might go along with it. But there was spotters of course who eventually got in there and disrupted the scene and got us out of that state. Later she tried again but we weren't so vulnerable in every way so we were just relieved to have the information back. We told her how the day dream would end. When I, we, all the littles had to go back the there to the hospital alone and talk about dude's history to doctors, including being questioned about his dad then travel back alone to duties here we would know he just didnt have enough older parts to help us. We do need to replace our pans because his are extremely unlikely to be coming here any time soon. We can't remember her having anything to say about it. We said we would be heart broken again.

It came out just through our internal systems when we first got the flat in Fintry and it was just me and dude and we weren't in a refuge any more. We were on top of the house work, going out to parks lots, singing in the flat lots. Not sharing living accommodation and child care duties with multiple with several walking horror stories. We knew trouble wouldn't be far but it just meant we had to make the most of the time we had.

There was some pretty good talking as an inpatient though. In the place we were in with everything that was ongoing there was no need to hide or hold much back and the stuff we that was held back we just don't listen to ourself speak. Abusers and abuse ring members in the mental health professional.. to finally be able to freely talk about everything we have in that portfolio. Oh my. Not that anything has made much difference to our short term but we knew we were crippled carrying that monster around and couldnt just put it down anywhere..(all those dirty, broken, public toilet and showers nightmares come to mind they don't seem so scary any more)

Right now we know we need to be careful about too many what next?s. We have a lot to recover and a lot of work to on our relationship with the offspring. It's going well so far. He starts like he used to sometimes. The huffy stance the stated refusal to do whatever it is he's been asked to do then when we remind of something I have already said we are going to do, he loses the attitude and goes and does it. Not that its suddenly become easy to balance his need for time, effort and interaction and everything here's but we are more able to give it a go and its not like its not rewarding.