August 06, 2016

Not Monday Morning.

Pretty tasteless some would think. Plastic Native American toys. Pab's has some of the cowboy range. We are't interested in them. We wanted the teepee and the canoe. We will use them with with the children, the rocks and and waterfall and trees and flowers. No tonight though. Too tired out from working on the house and from yesterday. Discharge conversation with the Dr then brought back down to Earth by social worker doing the if you want your parental rights and for Pablo to come home when we say so and not when him and various others decide then we should get a lawyer, yes its not what his boss said but this time is about Pablo's mental health being assessed so his boss's bosses might say different as three more weeks is what Pabs soon to not be social worker told Pabs doctors who only know whatever the soon to not be social worker has told them is saying is best.. And cause Pabs current carers are meant to only have younger kids he will be moving foster parents to ... (!?!)

Indeed.. the "stability" of care versus what I can offer..

We don't feel all that ready. But we were looking forward to shared care and to have it taken of the table when we were all up for it was poop. We told social worker we hadnt given up on and he agreed to discuss the possibility of getting him over the weekend but not for as many nights.. We need a little while to recover from the ward and to gloss but I'm guessing everyone anywhere and from all backgrounds finds social workers assessing their parenting quite stressful. Kind of hoping we have it in us to start phoning lawyers on Monday. In the meantime its ok to feel the parts that are a bit all or nothing. That think about giving up Pabs because everyone else has already be taking from us because we know they are the ones that will fight for him like we've never lost anyone and like we have all the support and resources we could ever need.

It's not Monday morning yet. So the pressure to try find a lawyer, to make an appointment to get our free bus pass, to list the repairs needed and chase up the landlord and to wonder if we will get to meet the new social worker is pointless.

To go to Scottish legals with this ID and ask for help is hard for a lot of us, the usual triggers "Don't ever do that" and "this is what will happen is you do", there is hurt pride of having to ask people for help with stuff that some of us could do very well but can't for reasons that are obviously out our control or we wouldnt be in this position and there's the "If we have to go through that it means people who we believed in and invested in have not come through".. Some of our strongers can pull us through, they explain that its a good sign we have taken whatever step it is because it means we have processed trauma, that people who had reigns on us can yank away all they like we will still move our own way that we have accepted the personal lose of relationships that weren't what we need or want. They hurt caused by people who are not into horrific violence and oppression but who for their own survival cooperate with those who do thus leaving folks like us far up shit creek with not a paddle so be seen while they ride off into the sunset protected and powered.. That hurt scares us the most sometimes and no amount of us telling ourself they are dissociated because the rapes, the torture, the breeding, the slavery and the murders is to much and they cant move forward helps.

Trying not to focus on trying to remember the inpatient carnage and what we were told about whats happened up there, whose alive, who's dead, whose in the care system? Just another scene that if when we are distanced from we get no info on who is left without someone splitting us so the rest of us wont hear.

Junior Doc tried because we asked him to we think. Horrific and devastating as is the norm. Sorry we said you were Saviley you most likely arn't and hope you had a good time in Mauritius and hope your untangling yourself for your own particular web of betrayal and trauma. Thank you for crumbling. Sure we already said to watch out for folk who want to talk to you about serious matters involving myself but tell you must not discuss it with me. They are not serious about challenging trafficking networks they are representing them. You will know by the way the make you dissociate when they talk to you or when you try and think critically about what they tell you.. Thank you for being there and thank you for talking to the General for us, nurturing isn't something someone can do when they can not feed themselves.. I can now though.. feed myself that is..and hear again and atm wish I could of helped you burn those bridges then and there..fuck the mortgage your a smart guy you'll figure out something..

x

We might be up for unwrapping those plastic natives and accessories tomorrow. You would of course be welcome to come over and play and talk to..