August 08, 2016

Two Person Job

Today we were up pretty early, took our meds. It was warm enough to sit outside and drink tea and smoke. Made doctors appointment, told landlords assistant about needed repairs, Then tidied up, swept and washed the kitchen floor. Internally all our thoughts as far as you are concerned blog are all "can barely think it, never mind write it or say it". Everything that was happening during the first weeks I was hospital. Where it leaves me now. Trying to figure out, remember and communicate what happened during those weeks. Emailed the social worker.

He had said he might be coming over and we didn't want to see him, especially not when we are on our own. We washed the throw that was on Tommy's wall. It was pretty grubby and had fallen down weeks ago. Don't think it will go back up but its bright and beautiful so we might change our mind. Hoovered a bit. We took breaks in the sunshine and ate a cheese roll and ham. Then a strawberry fruit corner later on after social worker emailed back to see he would probably come over anyway. Directed our voiceless frustrations and fears at the side of living room door that hadnt been painted. Then tried to nap but we kept needing to pee from all the tea we had drank and because Jess kept standing on me and settling on my hip to sleep and it wasnt very comfortable. .

The social worker did indeed.turn up when we were managing to nap and we opened the door and reluctantly and sleepy in the light green strappy vest top that shows more bra of their purple bra than most people would be comfortable showing their social worker of any gender if they were awake, aware or cared enough. He talked about finding a happy medium when I said how long I felt it would be before I felt ready for dude to come home full time and asked when we will be meeting the new social worker, later on in the week probably. Asked if dude could be brought over a day this week was told maybe or maybe day after. Really doesnt help that sort of shit. Paint and rug arrived when social worker was in. Good stuff. Didnt have to wait in any longer for any of them.

We felt pretty worn out after all that and went to the shop, came back sat in the sun, came in and coloured in and tried resting a bit before we made our tea. The usual! Peppers and bacon and tomato sauce and had it with spaghetti. We made enough to have for tomorrow lunch to. Will have to go and get more cheese though. Think will see if Asda has live herbs on our next order. And need to learn how to cook more things.

Took our meds to.

We told social worker we would speak to junior on the phone later but we felt unconfident about asking the carer directly and had to make do with sending our first Pokemon Go catch and some texting back and for with the carer. Our legs particularly were all tense from everything and exhausted so we went in the bath. With wine.

When we came out be put some washing away, opened the packages with Pabs school stuff in and hang them up.  Took the natives to his room and brought up the pen box.

Sometimes we dreaded walking past the nurses station because of the calls. No matter how much dissociation lots of us could achieve there will always be and has to be some hearing everything.  We remember clearly refusing to speak to Adam. Think we told the nurse who had picked up the call to tell him that we knew and that we were really sorry but we couldnt talk to him, we were in hospital we wanted to say "well enough" but we may of lost the control and said "safe enough" instead..

There was some organised scoop monstering which sounds awful if you dont know what it is. Then fell apart a bit even more again with the knowing and not knowing. We were cared for through and were held together throughout it all. We got to hold others together at times to and we always love it when we can do that and it was made sure we didnt give more than we could. The meetings and some of calls required all kinds of higher and specific functioning. We could barely move we were so tired after sometimes. There was some really bad people on the ward at times to and it took a lot more than our internal collectives to survive that.

In bed now, drinking the wine and writing this and wondering if we should start on the purple wall tomorrow or gloss the stairs.. And of course as it 10 pm we will be taking meds and we are washing the olzapine down with water and not just wine. Vino in the evening seems to be giving us fuel to do little jobs. And we are settling well eventually but dreams will have us up at some point. We dont intend to lean on the vino tomorrow though.

How can we not be scared to think though? To not resent ourself that the only thing we can put down is the bit about us refusing to take the call from Adam and not even going any further here on that. It's only been a few days since discharge and know you are telling us to go easy on our self and to trust. And we are. We love the work that's why and how we can do it. Thinking of you. And yes we will try to not do to much and write everyday if we can. We definitly are old enough to do not attempt any of the definite two person jobs and can put up with patches of ceiling white on the natural wicker for now.

Pennies tomorrow so there will be time spent cozied up. Ordering curtains and shit.