August 17, 2016

don't leave it too long..

Mornings aren't much better. Just want to cry still. Cry and cry. We put tv on just to have voices around. Don't think we can go for walks after school run we feel to emotional, cant trust ourself to not over do it and not get lost. There is never much here to stand up to the cynicism. There is only the battle to do the essential things. Did them. Dude was on be good mode to. Talked yesterday what sort of eggs he wanted to have for breakfast. It's a good breakfast he often doesnt eat bread with his eggs and thats good to. Probs wont take too long for him catch up with his weight. He didn't argue about the teeth brushing and that was an issue for both me and the foster carers. Packed his bag with everything he needed. Have to have another look for wide fit gym shoes. Size 6 normal ones are no good. Hope he does gym in bare feet or he will be tripping over the toes. Can't get over his size sometimes he is only a couple of inches shorter than me.

It helps a bit when I'm actually writing but as soon as I stop I just feel sad and small again. Watching Big Bang so yeah very sad and small..

The travelling tomorrow will most likely help a bit. As long as the taxi driver isn't too chatty and we arn't too scared and little.. It's just the first term morning maybe they will wont all feel so bad. Describe it more ..ok .. we will get more tea first though .. Just seen the paralympics add "Yes I can" bloody brilliant.. which of course has us emotional..

We have looked at home the "school day" has a lot of really awful triggers, forced to go when exhausted from whatever was done to us all night, injured and of course the school environment was abusive itself often to - there's a lot of reasons why we feel awful at the thought of "school", we have looked a little bit a our fears for Pabs and how they are post traumatic to and the fear of losing him to mainstream culture in which I don't fit and don't exist - particularly awful if what we seem to have experienced a mainstream that was completely tolerant of different kids sharing school and nhs identities..

Likewise "authorities" as we have seen, if we don't take him to school the police who we already know are riddled with the worst of the traffickers will come terrorise us and they take him of us and take him to school..same goes with psychiatry..

And we have learned before that writing lists of the reasons why mornings are so fucking awful also doesn't really help, maybe a little in the short term which is of course important but not long term, it still keeps happening because there us never been enough care and time to rest between extremely traumatic stuff happening.

It's extremely rare for us to read over old posts, our memory is also so shifting and we are terrified of our people's judgement of it. Also hate knowing how much we just bullshit because we are scared of the consequences of telling truth. We can't tell when we cant write or think something is because of our own self protection systems or an outside one and it really isnt the same the only way to not feel constantly grindingly and escapable ground down by oppression is not think and act like you are. Outside of the extreme violent and physical restraints of course.

 No bastard has talked to us in weeks. Our DID means that when that happens we have to find ways to be comfortable with an increasing sense of no fucking idea of who we are and what we are doing here. We don't like this. It's cool if your on your own and the work and company and affection are still all good but still it's a nightmare to try and bring up a child well when you have no idea who the kid is or whatever you have been through together and apart. Our DID, the lack of communication and the resulting mental and emotional exhaustion, fear, issues with services has very much been engineered and we know the baddies are winning the war and that feels awful. We tell ourself thats all or nothing thinking, that its PTSD, etc but we still know that the state of our head and whatever is going on means we will only know how to contact other people in an extreme emergency.

Yep. Still feels awful. We eat a banana and almost felt like going for a walk but when we opened the back door we felt our mood swing, there was a lot of walking yesterday. Maybe we are just need to rest :-)

It is sunny though. Thats good.