August 13, 2016

TBA - means "hope"

He's got the work that I couldnt do done today. I haven't done that much, little things mostly. Too tired and sore a lot to. The livingroom is done. Rug was put down. Curtains and lamp shade went up. Nothing really picked to go with anything else but it's good, not perfect but a massive relief that it the whole house now looks different to what it did. There a few more little things that we want to have done before junior returns but we can do them over the next couple of days without knackering myself.

We have climbed under duvet to write, to be away from the t.v., to be tired and in pain and emotional. It is good to have the help but the more tired, in pain and emotional we are the harder it is to feel anything other than "can't talk to him" its not like we haven't repeatedly tried over the years. There was a little while back in the hospital when we could see and feel a life in Scotland very different from the ones we have had so far but we know we are maybe to ready for that to be ruined because we would rather be mourning something that only just seemed possible that have something taken away from us that we have leaned on for much longer.

But as anyone who knows anything knows we have never had any hope for a real life, we have hope in TBA and still do but if the Brits are left to it then this will be more or less it has always seemed the most likely. The more time we spend shut of and terrified to be the more distance there is between the petrified "I" and states where we can recognise ourself and all our past and not just the worst of victimisation. If he/she/it didn't want  us to kept us dissociated, amnesiac and confused then he/she/it wouldn't leave us in exactly those states. We get trapped, bouncing between triggers and parts, trying to identify or remember or keep certain serious dangers in mind balanced against a need to be true to us and it just gets impossible.

We have serious issues writing about what gives us hope. Scared they are so flimsy that to put them and examine them in anyway would rip them or expose them as false. We also don't want to give them away, like we want to keep them for ourselves and not share them with people who wont or cant help us or even share them with parts of ourself who need convincing because their amnesia and the disbelief that comes with it hurts the ones trying to do the sharing.

Getting sleepy. Hope we sleep better tonight.