August 13, 2016

..and back to centre..

Went through the big box of playmobil and took back some stuff. Dude is more into the weapons ran the flowers and trees and doesnt worry about the need for different coloured peoples (we like the ethnic get up but suspect it would bug us a lot more if we werent white and very happy with a flowery tshirt and a pony tail that is often how we dress as an adult) . Guess we had enough real weapons as a kid we aren't interested in playing with pretend ones. We often put the me girl in the centre surrounded by friends and animals. Pretty obviously really spend so much time on our own when growing up and still am today we love to surround toy me with people and places she loves. Yellow haired girl has lost her flower bonnet but gained a brown baseball cap and she's cool with that coz it means something to her and she's a bit of a tom boy at times, we all are.

 It used to be really hard to watch other kids act one one minute and another the next, how could they just act like that? Anyway they wanted.. one moment loud and greedy then the next moment quieter and thoughtful, we weren't allowed to do that and when we did someone would turn up. We would often cry in the cloackroom in the school at Prosen. The smell of the paper towels, cracked dirty green soap and bleach sometimes, sometimes ajax.

We would try and trigger ourself into dissociating to escape the loneliness and the knowing when so little we would get no childhood but it wouldnt work. We just cared about all the time we would spend feeling alone and in need so far away from anything or anyone good and even further away with every agonising second. Parts would be told by outside ring participants what there core memories were. Strong sense that weeping endlessly, sometimes in physical pain, hungry, traumatised and alone when in that school was what "I" was told was my core memory, my defining moment. There was a program set up to take me to kinds of dissociation abusers have, where there is no continuous sense of self. A voice put there in sessions when I was supposed to not be able to hear just the most scared, abusers and a girl saying whatever they wanted her to say for me to recall and think it was a a part of me. Remebering her voice without context with lots of anxiety will lead to her voice saying something else another step, there was lots of talking to about the kind of things you are supposed to think when the experiences are repeated and the worst fears realised.

 But we knew ourself well enough to know there wasn't any immediate sarcastic response to being told that weeping in pain, in fear, in loneliness in rural Scottish school cloakroom was going to be a core memory, it was true, not the only truth but it wasn't bullshit, far from it. We thought for ourself and didnt follow the program set up on all those previous occasions and saw how it wasn't so magical or genius technical and saw ourself seeing the program for what it was. Broken people doing broken things to break other people. Beyond moments like that it's just violence and being extremely good at things. There was a moment when we got in touch with the parts of us that were being trained in all of it and already knew how it worked because of the training and of course the being forced to take part in other peoples and we wondered if the parts of us that went through it as a victim could forgive the parts that had followed order and been part of the victimisation. We had no bloody choice, not splitting was imperative because it meant amnesia and amnesia meant anxiety and a much higher chance of horrific things happening to me.

Because we chose to not block her out though it meant she could show us everything she got up to. Fucking awesome. She was basically just doing everything and anything she could to throw as many spanners in as many works as should and few people ever suspected. Eventually and if it had a chance of making a real permanent difference and step closer to the whole scene coming to and end we would take part with her support of course.

We could watch and listen to other children act and mimic it sometimes but that just hurt more and made us hate ourself when we were all we had.

Will we lean on a brother for a bit? Our only one. Someone significant has said and on at least earned himself a bunch of "yeah that's a good idea tell us someone is our only anything. Thats gonna really help." backchat. Present whenever possible girl has always had such problems with the fall fast and hard lot because they want to invest everything in one relationship as a way to fix us so present whenever possible girl has a nice present to come home to..