August 13, 2016

acceptance, talk and touch

Just us again. Which is kind of sad, some relief and some fear. There is a light shade to go up and another be changed and tbh we want to paint the wall its nearest - the one with the big colourful picture on it but not before the gloss on the remaining skirting and round the glass panels and any other bits missed so far. We eventually invested in a shower curtain we don't hate so that needs to go up to. Also the sticky back opaque plastic to cover the mother fucking safety glass. Yes that's right. safety glass, the stuff that has chicken wire inside in, inside a home in 2016. Just. Not. Right. Not feeling too pressured to do it right now we have today and tomorrow.

Tbh we want a day off but dont we have everything or anyone we need for it. We are remembering our own advice about having to go own way and recognise we have to be careful about the advice we take from people who have no idea what we are. Not easy especially when your own on and the only advice and support to hand comes from sources who know or understand very little to nothing about why and how we came to be what we are.

Mini pill is a likely factor in pain level when we have just started it but our body will also be telling us to rest some, to feel whatever we need to feel and the relief at being able to feel whatever we need to. Still it would be nice to feel what we feel with a bit more cushioning i.e. bring drugs.. lots of them..or at least some. Frustrating when all the painkillers we have do is help us feel our self enough to know we are gonna need help to really let go and actually be here and really start feeling that. Touch and talk is needed for lots of it but how are we going to let that happen wound as tightly as this?

Imagine how fabulous it would be if the NHS had well funded and proper holistic psychology wards and intensive DID crisis intensive care units instead of the inhumane approach we have controlled by the drug industries and rape apologists. I am not looking forward to the outpatient appointments.

We can colour and smoke fags and drink down the soluble co-codomal 5-6 hours apart, nap and colour, maybe play with the felt Little Miss boards and hope for touch and talk and real acceptance..

Beautiful windy day so we have been grabbing a few minutes of free heat and vitamins, perfect dryting weather to. And we are eating regularly and keeping up with house work so there are moments when we feel the glow of self satisfied home maker but that tends to fade when there is a shiver of terror goes through us because feeling like that triggers what if this is all we are ever going to be from now on. Diazepam etc can fairly kill or slow down triggers like that and if we were our doctor we would be prescribing using downers to help us see and de-construct triggers like that.

What else would we do if we were our doctor - like we have before lots of appropriate creative stuff most days, and we as our doctor would find those groups out so we the service needer wouldn't have to. Also some more focused on the really littles one to one sessions, weekly or maybe twice a week like one to one drama therapy, changes in scenery - weekly visits to places out in nature, culture but with time afterwards talking about what bad stuff came up or was triggered by whatever or where ever we visited. Massage, hugs and lots of journalling .. of course.. and lots of whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it with understanding that we know a lot about how to look after ourself we just struggle with all the very real "we are not allowed or something much worse will happen" fears. So hard to get past them if its not a real and immediate emergency.

"not allowed" and "falls fast and hard" and "this is my job, its what I'm for" are probably the three main groups of littles and they leave little room for "get as much goodness and fun as possible we will not be around for long" but they are the ones that drive us, that organise us.. How can we calm the anxiety of the first two groups? Well usually the trick is not attempt it, its by strengthening the third group that we start to feel better because they do know what the first two groups need and what just makes them worse.. But of course I feel like it isnt safe enough and our only hope is rescue to much to be even remember we do know how to look after ourself a lot of the time..

nap time