August 10, 2016

"..after discharge.."

The feature wall is now purple. Very purple. Except for a little stripe along the bottom that I will probably do tomorrow morning. Bloody tiring. Good to be putting some proper colour about the place instead of trying to stretch out every single lumen of light that gets in here with pale shades. Have also taken my meds and went to GP to get more and added the mini pill. Pain has been around a little and your promise in regards to it GD remains unforgettable.

. O.K. We can do it. Tommy, who gets sentence and a paragraph to himself.

Claire, Deek, Lynne, Nathan, Adam, Gran P? Bill? wider circles? Surely I just watched this in a film and got confused.

If I wasn't up for the first funeral we are hardly going to have made to any of others. Not on my own anyway. It the state we were in. We DID pin balled throughout mostly being others that have been trapped, their accents and memories we were too punished to let out.  Sometimes we couldnt walk, or see, or talk ..etc.. It always good to experience the high functioning that was never far away and rare for anyone else to understand the exhaustion that comes with having to switch between ourselfs and single white scottish thirtyseven your old female mother to one, NHS number whatever it is, formally Johnston, psychotic episode, claims there are people out get her, mentally ill long term. We have seen in other's people's eyes the pain of the bullshit, the pain of truth and pain at having to say, do and write things that maintain that bullshit.

Is Bill even a question?

Didn't a nurse tell us at the nurses station the police on the line to her. Too much unbelievableness. Once we told you we buckled. Fair enough and we were freaking out coz we knew we needed to rest but we knew as soon as we did we would forget, then remembered Tommy and remembered you and remembered why we needed to forget. It's all weeks ago now. Can't remember/recall most of the causes of death, except the motorheads going by they're favourite vehicles and Deek with drugs. We heard words over the phone when we were already too dissociated to hear them. Dad saying "Lynne..hanged.." before we handed to phone back to the staff and told them to hang up. For the rest of the night we kept going back to wishing we had listened to him say more. What if he hadn't finished the sentence?

Proper sleep was an issue for a while. He never left when we needed him not to. But once we feel asleep to GD on the phone to dad and woke up to it to. So hard not to hate it when you know that when you get what you need you will become an utter fruit loop because it all really was all to much before, thats how we ended up in a psychiatric ward and then Tommy died.

There was talk of some of them had made statements incriminating themselves and each other in statements after Tommy's death or maybe before in some cases. Someone in plain clothes asks if we know of many one who would want to hurt the family. I think, I hope we managed to tell them something and not just laugh maniacally. If they had fessed up or told any real truth in statements and interviews then they would of lost their protection and some. Jacqui was mentioned of course to some point.. and we were very glad there is months of disclosers on here picking away at our amnesia layers and areas. Think we spoke to all of the people we most had to speak to.

The really important ones we needed GD's support utterly but were surprised at how much when it really, really mattered none of the rest the staff let us down. The ones that wouldn't handle any of it are never hard to spot anyway even when your a mess.

Finally ate that pasta sauce we stuck in the fridge. Didnt make much sense to order pizza with that sitting there and all we needed to do was cook spaghetti and heat it up and then not make eye contact with unknown humanoid. Love the bacon and tomato lumps at the bottom all lathered in olive oil, spicy sauce and cheese.

We have no idea how much in known out there amongst people. Someone came in the ward that repeat some it, less than had happened at the time. They didn't know it was about me until we said so. Then someone else heard something locally. Again though that was weeks ago.

There was a call or two with the girls. Essential. Needed calls.