March 24, 2017

Death To Patriarchy

Hey Sis,

Told the our lad the tooth fairy wasn't real tonight. He's lost a tooth and we find that stuff hard anyway but he's nine and we don't feel the same pressure to. He asked if Santa was real and we winked at him and said of course. He's not ready for that. Not if it just comes from me and I don't have something else to offer him as some kind of trade off. *drum roll* cleaned his room. Always amazes us that the carpet exists and is in mostly reasonable condition. We did it in little blasts running to and for between it and Hyrule. Death bloody mountain. Might go back later. Tired after the cleaning though and the bickering. The bickering is exhausting. It does make a difference if we stay on him case though. It's hard though because we get so emotional. We don't think he means it but he's learned that if he is rude and disrespectful to us he gets his own way and we end up sitting in another room trying to work up the courage and the strategy to survive it, to get our basic needs met like he's a well protected pimp. Exactly what they want him to be and exactly how they want us to feel and we know we have to do whatever we can to stop it.

He will be ten soon and it makes us so angry when we think about his childhood and how much his mothers and his mothers friends were taken from him. He just came in there and read some of this over our shoulder. He thought "sis" meant Lynne.. And started saying he had a right to know the truth and brought up stuff we have told him when we were really ill. We have told him we going to have supper together and he was trying to get us to do it early. We said half past. We have repeatedly told him not to read what we write. He needs more we have said it so many times but writing it doesn't make it easier.

Bumblebee came. It made us so happy. We have hidden it and the box. We kissed it we were so happy putting it away. We got a boy's toy. :-D We so proud. Got beef to make stew on Sunday. Dude said they made Mother's Day cards at skool but he said he found his ripped on the floor and didn't know what happened to it. He said he had the pieces in his bad and got upset when they weren't there. I hope he just didn't want to make one and made the rest up. He's terrible with the truth. He can't help it. Could all be true to though.

Ordered some game tshirts for dude. Had to order a Zelda one for us to. It's gonna get warmer soon. We will tidy up garden and order flowers. We are not planting seeds though we don't want to plan to be here, to nurture here. All the stuff we wrote just so something would happen and maybe a bit to die and we end up back here..

But we have us now or at least are starting to again. That is definitely something that helps so much in here but in terms of getting us out there for air and sky and exercise.. It does bug that air and sky and exercise are just there all we need to do to access it is open fucking door and we don't. It might as well be gasses that turn steel or bone alike to mist out there.

We are a long way from "accepting" all the threats and actual horrors from the sky there's been though. You can't live here and remember that. I thought they were bullshitting about that but they were right but only because they made it so. They made it impossible for people to turn to each other. We were so glad you weren't here.