March 15, 2017

stupid bloody zombies

Put some proper Zeldaing hours today. Not much else but did go to parent's evening. Sounds like he's argumentative and full of attitude there to. There is going to be a longer meeting next week. It's pretty shit when meetings with your kid's teacher are something you have to survive. It's too late.

The "I think" yesterday and the returning discomfort of not knowing. How many of us were there? Not knowing that is something we are okay with for now. The whole, "you think I would choose my mental health over your life? When I wouldn't have any any way." They were not going to change their minds about us existing. They had no minds to change. It was worth a shot. It wasn't easy seeing how bad things were going to get and then choosing that path anyway, not that there is much in the way of paths of course.

Did we really not tell you about the other one? There was stuff we had been keeping from you for a while and it had been driving you mental. We wanted to be certain first. Did it work? Probably.. how long until I know in any real material way, I have no idea.

The poor other girl. She took the name Louise. What with so many people around rejecting that name she wanted it. Which always makes me smile and shake my head. So her. We almost lost ourself, you, kids trying to make it a little less horrific for her but she was always too useful to them. She had so much heart we could never end it for her, we needed her, everyone needer her. You couldn't do it either. She wanted to do everything she could to fight for as long as she could. She was so awake on the day. It felt so wrong that I would be alive later when I was such a mess and she wouldn't. She was so fucking proud.

Are there any more? I don't think so or at least none any needs to worry about. God it was always soo good watching cunts blood pressure rise by saying that. I don't think so though. But it's hard to think straight through all the blood and shiny clinical surfaces. We agreed didn't we that we because of how she would be treated and her chances of getting out we should of probably finished her to but unlike the rest there was still life in her. So we didn't. Decades we kept her alive and as safe as we could.

We couldn't believe you just did what we said without asking, without knowing they were already very hurt and we got that creepy sense of someone much older than tiny little you and me watching us and judging. It wasn't working though. We were no more to blame for what we were doing the laid out little ones with the scooped out brains were to blame. We didn't draw up plans for instillations like that, we didn't staff and populate them. We were just two little kids trying to get away.

Yes we can entertain the possibility that you are alive. I'd rather not bother if you are going to die soon though. It's hard to get through all the local related horror, the generic Scottish Police plain clothes female abuser. It's around so much whenever we try to reach you or reach a part of us that can reach you. Could they have gotten you? Not impossible but well known to always be trying so it would depend who they were working with. Lots of reasons why that's unlikely to like the training, life experience, empathy, insight, intelligence and the fact that your my sister and not an abuser so we would of been bullshitting you a lot less.

Jacqui fairly pulled out lots of tricks to get us talking about you. One time she was talking about you and we said we knew it's just that its something we know there is no point trying to talk about not because it was too triggering but because it wasn't worth the punishment. We quite often knew what her order's would be before she did and knew what she was going to pull and have parts prepared for it we felt so strong after. Pretty sure that's not how therapy is supposed to work but you take what you can get. We knew the UK, especially Scottish police/intel/military/masonic abusers believed that mentioning our twin was too much for our littles because we missed you so much. They believed that because we told them it during RA that they were unaware we were more prepared for than they realised. It had to be true enough and is especially for the last few years but back then there wasn't a better way to sort us out than mentioning you. The more powerful Russian network had set up it up to be so. They were supposed to be my only way to access you as you know. They were the ones who enforced it and made sure it was enforced. It wasn't like there was regular communication going on and what was generally one way so finding who it was and persuading them to say what we told them wasn't that hard when we able.

Jacqui must of fucking hated us when she told us that indeed we were right there was to be no talk about being a twin. I don't know if we laughed and said "no shit" or just smiled at her. It felt pretty fucking good though. Incredibles style the only way to take these monster systems down is too get it to attack it's self. Oh my god I wonder how many times I have said that. All the internal pits and walls caving in as the thing they said to make us workable and rapeable turn us superhuman instead. Marvellous. "There's no way we would be feeling like this if you were about die soon." Then we would remember what was going to happen and fall to pieces. We know what they would say "you wouldn't know" but that comes from ranks who don't actually  know how it works at it's core and how the combined intellectual and cognitive abilities of slavers is not intimidating. They don't seen those things as routes to freedom or power they are committed to the sadism and dirty cash route. They had literally been breeding intelligence and creativity into their slaves while deseleting it from themselves forever. What need did they have to figure anything out they had been forcing others to do it for them for a very long time?

Our support of course to. Support that we have seen enough of to know it still exists even if it's been a few months. Tired now.

Love you Me.