March 18, 2017

Tapp

Hiya Sis,

Got some lovely delicious weed. Soo glad. Sooo sooo glad. Where a you? We think we are seeing you all surrounded by panels and displays and buttons and tubes and stuff, enough room to move about, a rec area and a sleep area and shit loads of stuff we can't think about because we are here without any of that shit. People to, not many but there are all very focused. Which is good cause you have us blabbering to you all the time without us being all blocked off and you too scared to talk to us in case you trigger us and we arn't on a tight limit schedule.

That hasn't sunk in for us yet.

Now we are back to a place where we have to keep talking and thinking and feeling for you or we will feel triggered. What a relief. We are chuckling along to Modern Family while we write this, episodes we haven't seen heaps even better. We skipped onto the next one when J brought his black friend round to show the new black neighbours he wasn't racist because he was getting security put in. It was pretty painful. The stuff with Gloria and her accent gets like that. It's well adorable and funny when it's not being excruciating. Properly loling at times.

What did we say I was to do with all the hurt and rage and fear? Just be little. Yep. The state of the kitchen will tell you we are doing not too bad at that.  You reminded us that my survival was paramount. More important than truth, more important that here, more important than anyone else. After all the work we did we can't die here like this. We were so relieved. You didn't know quite how isolated and dissociated they had us. That must of been horrible but once we had showed the damage we could show you what we had done despite off and sometimes because of the damage. Then we both could be us again.

You told us to not care about how much we spend on weed, we need it and it's not forever. You told us to not feel ashamed of thinking and feelings one day that next something contradictory. Cause it was us, cause of our history and brain's we could show you the hardest stuff and you knew exactly what to say and do. Cause it was us and we all work endlessly to make sure we can.

It's no suprise that not enough is being done about Trump. Everyday that goes by more damage is done. Sure the budget won't get through as is but U.S was already right wing af. You will know all about that in lots more detail. Not like a vague overview is much fun either.

Behind you. In much bigger shinnies there are lots more and they are more relaxed and happy and excited.

I told you it doesn't go away didn't I that disbelief. No matter how much you experience it, how much you study it, how much off other people's experiences you share and how much science we've seen proven again and again you still don't believe they would fucking do it and keep doing it.

Yeah I'm getting there. Articulate what is lost with the loss Louise, who was the twin of us both. I feel our relationships with most of the U.S high profile folk is as frozen and dead and unrevivable as she is. Sex and lies and oppression and fame and lots of very satisfied supremacists and naive liberals pretending their hearts aren't broken by stuff they never talk about but somehow they are going to be ok.

I'm not going to tweet Jessie. Yes it would make sense to block him to avoid getting distressed and confused and all that. There is so much that is so very ouchy.


What a mess. Glad it's not my problem.