March 05, 2017

So many.

There were times, a few times when it seemed so possible that she could make it and we could be together and look after each other but there was too much and too many against us for whatever paranoid, greedy or made up reasons. She said it would be okay to not worry but it wasn't ok. I needed her there was too much for one person to do and because she knew and loved me and I knew and loved her even when I was too dissociated to think or be anything. The manipulation of attachment needs between twins.  So many volumes from over the centuries on how to torture us. So much fairly well perfected by the time me and Julia came along. The more identical the better, R.A, trafficking, D.I.D, twins and other identical freaks. It was going on everywhere. Not so much now. How far we got in shutting down Russian operations and how much people have managed to continue the work without us I don't know atm. We used to spend a lot time trying figure out who was first and who was worst now between the Brits and the Russian's but would eventually come to the conclusion it was a waste of time that trying to do so was splitting hairs then we shudder at the very RA pun "splitting heirs". As we got older we would notice how how our train of thought would fall apart at such questions and decided to have another look over stuff if and when we could.

The graves go back so far that it just gets impossible and too overwhelming to be confident about the earliest origins but things kept looking a lot less muddy when it come to the modern systems.

We avoided the American's for as long as we could trying to get our head, our feelings into something more manageable. It was working. We were in standing in the middle of our little room the world literally spinning. What could we do, not tell him how things were looking because we hate it when the smug bastards are right? Deciding to go find him and tell was the only thing that stopped the room spinning. We didn't want to talk to Julia about it. She would just look at us with big innocent eyes and say something like, "I know." or "of course."

When we found him fears about smugness evaporated at how worried he seemed at the state of us. Then we remembered clearer our history with him and how he had no idea how far back "really far back" meant and he wasn't the type to gloat anyway especially over stuff like this. He was very quiet and pale and in shock by the time we got through it as people generally are. We showed to him the differences between what we thought the Brits were and doing and what they were actually doing trying to put a positive spin on it but because it was all new to him he didn't have any "worst fears" about the Brits there was knowing there to comfort him. He wasn't seeing any positives.

We hoped once he pretty much staggered out that we hope he would remember some of what we just told and shown him after they did whatever they were going to do to him because of us.

Every turn in her history seems either through accidental or design to have emboldened the worst in Russia and obliterated the good. Like Britain but everything on a much much bigger scale.

Lungs are not getting much better and its no wonder. We are struggling. Can't even face the stunningly beautiful new Zelda. It was so horrible being in states where we had to not think about her or remember her when she was alive but now there is no end to it. Not that we are thinking about ending it of course especially when their is so much entertainment coming out the states. It's just hard to see how we are going to ever to start to feel better. It's not like there are people all over twitter calling for Theresa May to be impeached or whatever the equivalent is. The Tories arn't being investigated for ties to Russian gangsters and oligarchs although there is plenty to look into. Believe people are looking into the intelligence that came out of Russia in regards to myself and my sis and the relationships between Brit intel community and Russian and by intel community I mean abuse and trafficking rings.

Unlikely that we see Jake or Don on air disclosing any of that any time soon but you never know. That sense of the outside world being stuck in a place I can't get into isn't like it was. Doesn't feel quite so lonely to be spinning any more.

Wish we could talk to the bairn about where we are at. We haven't been able to talk to him about it since he asked not long after it happened if his other mummy was dead. Someone had told him. We have been so lost to him. He lost us both and so much else.

..

"Do you think we will be leaving situations as they are?" He was serious faced and said it motioning to the files between us on the desk. We took a deep breathe and attempted to be in our body and looked into him then shook our head.

"Nah Sir."