March 13, 2017

ouchies 2017 style

Well the kid is in school with food in his tummy and a snack for break. And we have took our meds and had a piece of raisin toast. It's a bit sunny outside we stood in the door way and felt the warmth of it while the kettle boiled. Maybe we could take a little walk later. Maybe not though to. It's a crying forever kind of day.

They want me to feel like you might of made it if it wasn't for our amnesia, that they were doing their best for us both but we hadn't told them what they needed to know, that it wasn't that bad. It's all utter crap of course.

We can't seem to care much what the consequences will be for writing about you but we know we wouldn't be able to write and think if we were that scared but maybe its just gotten to the point where it's essential to our survival that we remember and mourn.

We had a few days of taking the pill late or not at all and are feeling pretty achey. Maybe we would be more active if it wasn't for that. We do want to live. To go out. To see things. We just don't feel ready to do it alone or alone but in charge of nine year old. It's terrifying and we know we feel that way because it was arranged for us and forced on us but it doesn't help.

It was such a relief when I was little and was trying to figure out what I should do, there was so many opinions about what we needed to be, what our prioritise should be but we had good help navigating it all. The most important thing was to be myself and trust myself to know what I needed to do. That made it easy because all we needed most for that was you.

Of they knew that is what we would decide although some genuinely believed that was how we felt because that's what they told us to feel and not because that's what twins often say. People like that would go mental when they saw that I had said what they wanted me to say and then other stuff that they hadn't and looked all confused when we said that was because we were going to say it anyway and that was the only reason we would ever say what he wanted me to say.

Baby steps..






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