March 07, 2017

So close.

Hey Sis,

Today wasn't so bad. As crappy as it was yesterday we did make an appointment with a hair dresser that we went to today. The "lovely thick hair" and the "are you sure" about cutting it off. They were nice though. She cut off a decent hand full of it and then put it on the shelf below the mirror in front of us. We couldn't stop looking at it and smiling. The weight of it.. After she cut it though she started back combing and hair spraying.. We didn't say anything we were kind of curious as to were she was going with it. You would of laughed. She gave us inches. We didn't care much but don't like that lovely short hair is all full of crap and hard and sticky. Don't want to wash it again today. That would be three times in one day. I think it us been through enough.

Bit more able to remember good stuff and appreciate it and not just feel the loss. A little bit. It was very cool being your twin even when they were keeping us physically close to each other but not letting us make eye contact. It was always so good when however's shift it was was friendly, negligent or just dumb so we could hang out in a cupboard for a little while and not be dissociated.

Fed him steak tonight. Tuesday is our pizza night because of the two for one but I am so sick of it. Thankfully he was open to negotiation tonight so  I defrosted a lone streak for him and ordered chips from a Chinese and a started platter for me. Like the sauces from that place they taste decent and don't turn to a solid as soon as they are lukewarm like they do from the near by place.

Got some vino to.

So fucking close. And we were so fucking close to not ever telling you how fucking close it was. It meant distance in the remaining time we had though so we had to say.  You finally got why we sweat the small stuff so much because so often life and death swings on the small stuff. The final straw can be almost nothing but without it pivots wouldnt of happened when they did with such horrific consequences.

But it's not like I could give you back everything everything nature gave you and broken human's running twisted systems took away. We knew someone out there horrific and well connected would be putting everything they could into finding out what I can do but you couldn't. Someone who didn't have to worry about and try and survive local police, local thugs, local rapists and national governments like us and yours always have.

It's not just losing a twin, or a sister in surviving and resisting, we lost a whole system. That takes a long time to "recover" from. We believe in you though. We trust you. We will wait to see what you and we believe and us together so much so we can wait to see what you have done. And what we did together when we didn't have to hide anything from each other any more.