March 02, 2017

post catatonic

She would want us to get up, to go out, smile at people, breath outside air, feel better but we can't yet so she would be glad we are listening to music. Lots of jazz recently but made by us list today. We will get some stuff done later. Christ it hurts so much. I'm not sure how much before Laura's death it happened. Not much but long enough that we weren't catatonic any more.

We know what we need to do now is not worry about what we need to do or what's going to happen next. That although it feels like we are going to spend the next four years feeling like I have over the last four but that probably isn't true. Remember how dissociated we were? How vast swaves of ourself and our past were no go areas? Now there is just patches that keeping filling themselves in.

The rage over the loss and why they did it isn't going to kill us either because it doesn't end here. Knowing some of her words and truth are here helps.