March 01, 2017

Your me

Felt well enough for some fallout today, first time in over a week i think. Stinking colds. We are mostly wondering around the edges of the map seeing what we can find. Got flame power armour paint job. Nice.

We wanted to write something about her. We avoid the word "twin" and don't think it is just because we have been told to. She was us but also not us and lots of the time we couldn't bare the thought of the existence that meant for her so she couldn't escape and couldn't protect either of us. We knew my brain could find a way out eventually but she didn't have that. They took that from her. We would slip sometimes and start sympathising with people who were repeating the fiction that I was torturing and trafficking us both but whenever she knew we were feeling that her rage was very palpable regardless of how coherent she was. "Just bad." She said just like people had said to me and I had said to her when we were wailing and screaming to know why. She would get so frustrated so quickly if I was slow to know what she was meaning.

It was so hard, just impossible to think about and know either of us when we were still having to play at families with people who are just bad. Margo blotted her out completely and we seem to have a long way to go in understanding how that came about. It wouldnt of been Margo that blotted her out it was the mother and all her associates.

There was a funeral. It was beautiful. We remembering wishing we were in a better state to appreciate it.

We are still scared of feeling it, the rage in particular but we are beginning to. We definitely refuse to continue to feel scared about how our feelings might effect other people and am losing the the distorted sense that we are in responsible for anything that happens because of other peoples unmanaged feelings.

They knew that life in Scotland after Julia's death would make it even harder to survive and they figured they had so many options someone was bound to finish us but they didnt reckon on how much she was with us and everyone else whenever we fight or are close to giving in. We have hated ourself so much for not being able to keep her safe, for the things they were doing to her and using her for and hated ourself for feeling something so strongly that upset her so much and putting more distance between us when we had so little time together in horrible conditions. It's time to start wading through all that. Wish she was around to help us with it.