March 11, 2017

Oh no Sir it's just yourselves, the Brits and the Russians left at this level and I've already had this phone call with them.

Remembering with more and more vividness. Her faces. Her voices. Her physical presence. When I said we were taking down the centre of the twin slavery system even if it would cost both our lives the entirely predictable answer we got was "It will." It couldn't wait any longer or they would be able to kill us both and we might of said something like that to him, he repeated about of fiction that he believed but we knew was fiction because we helped create it. The call ended not long after that it wasn't like we had ever seen much sign of agency in the guy. We sat on the coach in the flat and Dundee desperately trying to think of a way we both could live. We had done a lot to fix our mind but it wasn't any where near the level we needed it at to fix this. Even when it was there was always too much pointed at us to be able to do enough.

We had to live. We couldn't live. Just what some them wanted. With only me alive there would be increasing split between those that thought I could be of some use or who didn't seen us as a real threat and those that want us dead at all costs. Without her we would no longer be vulnerable to being manipulated or groomed with promises or hints that they could help us. I wouldn't have to worry about them knowing when did or didn't know where she was. I wouldn't have to worry where she was any more. We watched these thoughts run letting them become less identifiable as anything to do with us then we closed our eyes and let ourself go back to where and when we had heard this shit first. We are already knew or pretty much knew from working with all the files but knowing what lots of paper and surveillance is pointing to is not the same as actually remembering. When we did and after the sudden rush of anxiety and terror we felt a rush of warmth and strength and truth. We felt ourself and our edges so firmly and could see and understanding the relationships with the past and everything ongoing.

Some of us already where this was heading of course. That we wouldn't be able to stop ourself from wondering why this had just happened. That they wouldn't be able to keep us there, freeze us forever in that joy and relief. Just the warmth and strength had spread all over and through us it vanished when we saw what had woke us. There was no point hiding or pretending any more we were going to loose her it was all for nothing. We couldn't be. We would have to figure out something else.

And not die of course because the thought of how smug that would make the bastards is what has kept our heart beating. (and the scale of the horror that would be unleashed on innocent people of course) We had no choice there was no way we could be conscious of Julia and survive all the Johnston/Fife/Brit/organised crime/Masonic/Russian/Supremacist Yank evilness over the past four years.

The time apart and the torture really made us some of the most insufferable boakingly close twins you would have the uneasiness of coming across. No twins are ever that identical though.. knowing how many people knew what was being done to us but went along with it. Massive amounts of shitty, deadened jealous and owned people. All the time knowing we were not able to handle why we hated the family, communities and the institutions here the way we do. Not the kind of thing that is likely going to start getting better because we aren't as split, can remember her and us and could even talk about her when they still have so much.

Big difference though eh for any infant and it didn't get much easier as you get older.. how and who you are when you are with your twin and who you are when you are not only not with them or allowed contact but are being told that they do not exist over and over and hurt for mentioning her by the people who decided if we got food and shelter.

Hope your with us tomorrow gorgeous so you can help us take our kid out to the park and not be narky with him if we do..
Love you.