March 13, 2017

Made of Love.

Wasn't gonna write tonight. Need to though. The lad has add a really bad attitude and tone of voice with us. It's no wonder but it still breaks our heart, triggers us, makes us a bit scared of all the distance that everything has put between us. I don't know if he remembers you. We have said a few wako things to him over the past few years from all the horrible states we were in and we don't want to add it but we are still worried that a part of him is waiting for us to and needs us to say something and we don't know what to do.

We did make it out for a little while today. Not for long but enough to stretch our legs and be in open air.  You will be as disappointed as I am that it is still the same place out there and we still have meetings at the school to go to alone.

Got some lovely weed though. Sticky enough to be tricky to skin up with.

Remember that conversation in the flat when you were smoking and I said something about you not being all that into it and you said you didn't like when they had us apart I could easily get how it would remind you of us to much. Then we wondered out loud if that was why we fucking detested not being stoned because it reminded us of you. Then we sat on the couch and talked about weed and DID and surviving all the places we had been kept, abusers and things that had been done.

We had avoided this conversation for long enough. The one where we share the information and skills that if the other one had known would of made so much difference.

Things would generally go really awful really quickly whenever we were together and alone. It wasn't to happen and they would use all their systems to separate us. It was impossible to get anyone who wasn't already in or wanted in to believe so much what was going on. Rarely much time to argue of course as well. While everything that surrounded them would be pushing them to never be able to believe it and see what we were showing them with real verifiable evidence.

So much belief in "due process" and "respecting established procedures" we would both lose it with them. "Do think the people currently doing X, Y and Z are going to respect any of this when they come into power."

We often had a sense that it was more did't care than couldn't believe that in later years some people went to a lot of effort to make us question that. It was to late though and it was actually quite nice to listen to them explain themselves at length and the carefully and beautiful worded requests and then say we couldn't do anything if we wanted to because it hadn't worked out for us so far and because America was about to become another failed Trump "business" enterprise we had to remove any all of our moveable interests out of the U.S. Sometimes there was "how do you know"s or "no they said that wouldn't happen"s or other highly scoffable stuff.  Then the calls would usually move onto when the next call would be and we could say that due to the nature of the British and Russian based Surveillance and violence from various sources that no one was doing anything about we would not be any more communications until situations changed.  We would feel quite content for a little after sometimes for a long time. It was tried in the hospital though. We watched as the hospital staff pretended to be us to save their sorry asses? ideological hate based reasons? cause they were victims who had lost the ability to be anything else?

Whatever. It was truly disgusting. Every aspect of it.

I was glad you weren't around to see it in the flesh like that. Then we wished you were because you would off slaughtered them then realised I wouldn't be in that fucking place if you were still alive and that was going to have to start accepting it. Soon. But not there, then.

I was hardly in a place to support that and that's why it's so hard to be here and why they are so determined to keep us here.

I believe that determination for us to be elsewhere exists though. Even if we are struggling to have any sense of it at the moment. Music is so youish its too hard to listen without a glass of wine. I'm not expecting you to do anything about I'm just sayin..

Anyway hun, gotta go lap top in bed is killing our back. Love u. xx