March 01, 2017


There's a bottle of wine downstairs but it's only four o'clock. It can wait. We went back to sleep in the morning and woke up to "twin" and "sister" blaring in our head. We felt too awful for the CPN so we phoned and cancelled, we still have enough of the cold and sound awful anyway. Considered phoning the school to tell him to walk himself home but didn't, the sun was out it had some warmth in it and we needed supplies anyway. Gave him a heads up on the way back "Mum is having a bad day could can get sweeties and a magazine." That always goes down very well and we get told we a whole bunch of lovely things.

"You will have to choose a snack or ready meal for tea sorry." On the other hand, does not. Before we were sent into hospital and him into care there were times he cried when we said that. It doesn't happen so often now so he grudgingly accepts.  We ate most of a shop bought blt with orange juice then a fudge doughnut and tea so we are doing well. Back in bedding we dried on the line yesterday with Laura's old laptop and way more spliffs than is wise for lungs in this condition. It's lovely weed though.

Everything is opening up. As it does. Specific moments in landscapes of specific moments spreading out with increasing detail for as long as we can bare to look. The good times to. Those times when we were both with my soldiers, "Our soldiers". They other side would let us bond for a while, heal then they would take one or both of us back and used torturing us to manipulate the other and everyone else. We were too lost without her. We  had to not think about it. We had to not be.

I don't know how many of the people immediately involved in making that night happen are still alive. She worked out the best damage limitation she could. Certainly lots of the people who supported it and paid for it are still alive because they appear to in charge of various nation states as they were then in some cases. It had been decided that one of the three of us me, her or junior there had to die and had to die then. There had been to much lies and ignorance and danger for too long for us to be able to get the support we needed  in the time we needed it. Afterwards of course there wasn't much point in trying to speak to me because I wasn't there.

It's 16:46 that's wine o'clock enough.