Not feeling so good Daddy. Pain quite bad. Loneliness worse.

Gave in got money and weed better than not but did get N suggesting we try and remember when money comes better by maybe writing it down or putting it in our phone and the lass we do like reminding us of the one we don't. It was our fault we brought her up.. to ask if she knew how she was.. Tonnes of cusp of weepingness and general struggling. Hiding in games and going easy on us is helping though. We spent a little while not being irritated by the fact we need to pee constantly but not so much now especially with drinking more water to try and clear the thrush. Gonna mention to Doc.. once again onto the NHS.. none of this is good enough Daddy what do I need to do so things start getting better properly?

We are recalling calls between ourself, the heart break then the gradual things getting a bit better and then discussions about something being fixed that was so good for us we didn't need to bury it to protect it because it was so far away from anything we have been raped, tortured and manipulated into thinking is a possibility.

Some one thinks we need to mention "White Wedding" Billy Idol poor man has a long history with us Cherries and it was fucking brilliant he got in on the day to perform it. Still makes us laugh.. white power, black traffickers lots of people heavily invested in that wedding or the consummation to never ever ever even have a chance of happening. It's just it's over a year ago now and we are so fucking sick of the obvious bullshit ridden "dreams" and the endless destruction of anything and anyone decent.

We have friggin Status Quo lyrics in our head when we wake up its not a bad thing its a reminder that yes it is shitty and no I'm not alone by any means.. In The Army Now lyrics .. "nothing to do so just stay in bed.". Still though we feel plenty horridness creeping in, we were really on a high after the hols weren't we. We would prefer our mood to not plumment with the temperature but it is what happens at least we are looking at it from reasonable hight as apposed to previous years where we were already far far down and didn't know what further down could be a thing. But fuck you mother fuckers if we are not dead they can't do it. The higher ups that think they still have horrific and ridiculous powers backing them up or are dumb enough to believe they are that powerful are incapable of getting it.

Still though I wish this was all over.

Love you and Mum and all my sisters and kids and everyone else.

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