September 10, 2017

"Yir gonna hae to let goh o this marriage thing go hen."

It's good to write without twitter triggers getting activated, these people who are not really people and definitly don't class me as one and are not supporting me will not like it if I write about that. Some of them were "visitors" when they have had us drugged and restrained and surrounded by tech and callers who are trained to petrify amnesiac littles.. Is that Jacqui's corpse we are seeing at our feat last year? Very possible I think. With populations mostly excepting the universal predetermination and being wide open to schedluled programming that they need to function or think we could hack said programming and get them to do what we needed for our survival plans. It would of been possible to fix the whole stinking planets populations with those machines but we were kept to fucked up and had no time. We were fated to only have time to save ourself, another lot had fated us to sacrifice our own life to prevent something they only set up to make us sacrifice ourself and real peoples and forces told us to do whatever we wanted at the time and that to sacrifice ourself to protect people who arn't people and who believe in slavery is the most Satanic thing we could ever do. We had wondered if it might be and were glad to here others state it very plainly and very firmly.

 Pain is bad though as is mood and trauma release. We are on our lovely flannel bedding with a blanket, fluffy hot water bottle and as many pain killers as we can since so many people have ordered us to when we can, Blues on Spotify, room is still quite clean and tidy, its raining outside and we are glad, cooked up some spagetti a bit ealier while waiting for the on tick pollen to arrive and had it finished last night bolog with Pabs so I would feel a bit better and be able to take ibruprofen. Feeling much better now. Princess is sleeping close to us as well. We wonder if it's wise to spend some much time in a place we have been held and tortured in lots but we remember so much of just wanting to be left alone in bed and not moved or raped there. It's not like the recall stops if we get up and do stuff. We just feel we are being forced to get up and so stuff when injured, sleep deprived, withdrawing, drugged, starved, miscarrying or in labor..

We've been thinking the got some specific programming in for this specific time. But it could be stuff that we really did have to do to ourself because if it had gotten out at all that a particular ring and level was down it would of gotten immeditally a lot worse and we would go from slim chances of survival to none. They had so much waiting for our friends and family that we had gotten out we were prepared to die rather than call for their help. We had to pretend to the Scots professional woman, mostly police ring that we were the abusers and they no longer had to do certain stuff to us because another lot was taking care of it and there was times when she was getting suspicious but we are hardly short on experiences in how such people talk about me so we convinced her. We also had to pretend to some inners that our sister was still around because she was forced into thinking it would always be like that and if either of us got the consquences would be very quick and final. Time had to pass so she could see that nothing instant happened and also the whole thing with lots of abusers getting their information from these littles meant that if the little is convinced then so are the abusers.

What we could of gotten done, what we could of fixed, what we could of stopped, what we could of changed the direction of.. It's the past now and it is so good to have it in the past rather than the future or present. The physical, mental and emotional states they have had us in and kept us in..We are war hunger again it's been a while and its been lovely just living and just enjoying whatever is enjoyable without craving the smell of blood and the feel of the only warmth they are capable of. We wanted eyes that see us now we just want to be using eye contact as a kill order. Makes lots of them feel smug that we feel like that because they need us outside of society, an other, an animal so they can do what they like to us but they were always minion level horror stories who were told very little that wasn't manipulative fiction. We are glad we can laugh when feel a brief feeling of sadness that when it comes to good against evil battle of the minds the fight is all over. It was a slave built computer. Of course it was. Still kind disappointing though the "this is over" monologue we couldn't stop ourself from constructing on the journey there went to waste.. We gave a panel a kiss goodbye for the life in the slaves they made and used up designing, building and working the thing, placed the gear, had a quick look around but the place was humming with misery and sadism so we left we took a few photos and the retreated to a safe distance. Then double and tripled checked we were at a safe distance we were falling apart and falling apart fast not so bad that we didn't know what the "blow it up" buttons were though. We always know what the blow it up buttons are, think its part of the "gifts" that people who couldn't be around to help us in any other ways gave us because we have flown and zipped out of a few shit storms wondering how the fuck we remember to that and got a strange warm inkling of friendly otherness and are always thankful for it.

That specific thing though, we starting to remember a lit a bit about the interior. Lots of brown, the office and furniture were old like 1950s or 40s but we knew we weren't in a mind to know enough. Twentieth Century first half, West probably, crappy tech, crappy plastics that no where makes any more, the place stank of them.  We could see why they would be telling people it was North Korean and why you might think that was true if you didn't know better. We knew it wasn't though.. We like playing at how much we can figure out just by what we see but its not so much fun when you can't just go home and look up whatever it is you are trying to figure out/remember and find out for sure. We knew we would find something there in English and didn't have to look long. Whatever it was we found did the job and some and I think we might of left a trail of puke as well as that kiss as we ran stumbled and fumbled our way out and back to ours.

We didn't know what to think or feel once the buttons were pressed. It felt so peaceful, there was this calmness that was so so deep that we do not often feel anything like in ourself. The peace, the zen were not going to last long after pressing those buttons and the ballistics were as spectacular but our enjoyment of the optics was as brief as the peace when we were ripped by whaling like a baby so bad all out muscles hurt. It eased and then thankfully faded and we were left looking the remaining energy slowly leave the suspended smoke and debris for a while feeling good things the only comparison we currently have would be making love with our husband for the first time..

I'm not certain, things are kind of fade after that but we had to get back to Earth for Pablo I think. It got out.

We are still alive.

We don't want to give up on the marriage thing. Or the not being a slave thing either..