..dear reader..

Hello. Cool isn't it and so totally not cool of course to but to not live under the fear of dying while people you love having little idea of who you are. Living like that was always a kind of death anyway. We made an amnesiac part who would describe how she was going die because it was all too much and made sure she sounded literal when she was actually telling them about the end of the worst of the amnesia and isolation. She was telling the abusers she knew she would not exist in the future and all the rest of us agreed and they thought we were telling them we were going to die when it was a roll that would no longer be needed, a state that would no longer happen. Sometimes when it happened we realised we were also showing ourselfs this because it felt so obvious that what we were saying wasn't real or literal. They went higher and higher through the networks trying to find out if it was certain and lots of good work was done. It was our sisters who fell for the "...

Sunny spells but a wicked ass wind. We watered seedlings, moved a planter so it would get more sun and surveyed it all from the kitchen sink. The work will be hard enough I'm not that worried about it being warm when the tools arrive but we are not going to be working in the rain. Forced the lad to take his scooter out then tidy his room for a few minutes, usual it's hardly meeting all his needs but its something. When see appeared on the screen we went even littler and called her "Mummy". I felt Dad take a sharp intake of breath that I think we probably giggled at. She was concentrating really hard on her English and we were her top priority. There was a few people around who were pretty shocked by that and we had focus on not being distracted by their internal worlds all collapsing. We can't remember much specifically and don't expect to, for one thing she has never bullshitted us and that in its self is enough to put the contact between us when I am down...

The buddleia is almost definitely going to arrive before the tools we need to put them in the ground but that's okay we can stick them in a trough planter till they arrive.. and we have done the work... :-/ .. They we will be earning and needing out Epson Salts baths as we have pretty much committed to racking up chuckies, taking out whatever tarp is left and breaking the ground up on the bottom patch.. :-/ .. as always.. help would be greatly appreciated.. Ordered a couple of ferns..and I think we are going to be able to bite the bullet and pick a spot for Gracies tree so it isn't waving about in the centre of everything in one of the boring troughs that are a nightmare for bloody cat poop, shouting 'Hi I'm Gracies & her mum's tree, you weren't much use there were you but I'm thriving.' .. It's bloody freezin today so we are indoors in bed guilt free. Dude has just finished the korok trials he had to take a food break but he did manage to do ...

We've been quite busy the last few days. Two fucking meetings! CPN and social worker.  Social worker who wants to help us socialise the son. Which is appreciated. Cleaned a fair bit yesterday to, had to what with the sw coming over. Was glad except for being a bit migrainy from overdoing it on the sticky. Gardening, hoovering, washing, beds changed, kitchening and food was put away, big packs split up before being frozen and everything got done anyway and it helped sort us out eventually.. Couldn't help ordering more garden stuff last night. A cast iron fairy, a cast iron butterfly, a small metal dog that glows at night and a green plastic through planter that can be hanged from the fence. They had offers on garden paint  There's a load of seedlings that we propagated indoors. Can't remember of course, giant colourful daisy looking hardy annuals and more night scented stock, ffs. Its turning up every where already. At least I think it is. Something came through in th...

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself. We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up la...

To begin with it was easy to hate what they had done to him, what they had him saying and doing but that became impossible over the years because of the evil and the harm he was doing. They would trigger the little that remembered him not being an abuser and he wouldn't do and say whatever he was told to and say to her. Like the guy who did his show before him he doesn't exist, he died and is now is just layers of his victims and his abusers structured by his programmers with nothing underneath. It must be such a relief to our littles to know they are not alone in here when it comes to him. That we refused to take his call in the hospital and more people found out about him. Not sure if it was js or someone else pretending that came to the hospital because we had refused the call and were resisting programming but thankfully there were people around to help us we had been heavily drugged and he might of got us if they hadn't been around. We did everything we could t...

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, ...

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters. We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were ...

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you. A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly...

Can't do much else but come on here and wash out more wounds. We have changed both the blog and twitter over to Rosa, some one used it to say thank you for rting them and it hasn't helped our tearfulness. Knowing we were going to loose him and we wouldnt be together has been very crippling particularly as we have spent a lot of time held in situations where we were surrounded by people who bring it up to gloat and who knew which of our parts couldn't bare it the most. The stuff that we had been programmed to well and too early to ever tell him was for most of us stuff we weren't sure about or didn't feel any need for him to know. We had other people for that stuff and him not knowing didn't mess the contentment we would feel around him. There was a couple of attention needers that sometimes longed for him to know everything and to think about us as others did but we wouldn't think about that for long before feeling scared and ill and it so would go back t...

We knew. Before, after, during on various levels and never all at the same time. Someone tried to make us face it in hospital we hid from them but think he grabbed us and stared into our eyes, "Your Dad's dead. He died months back." Then he said something about that being the reason we were ill and in there using pretty stigmatising language. We came round then. We knew who we were in comparison to him. He was on the floor when someone else non friendly came in and asked about the guy on the floor. We were back sitting on the bed, all tiny. We said the guy said something horrible so we hit him but he was okay he would get up in a minute. He said something we didn't understand or hear and then left quite quickly. We looked down on the other guy. He wasn't going to getting up again and we knew that meant we were probably safe enough to sleep soon as no one would want to come near us. We tried not to think about all the drugs that were feat away and how much we were...

Washed and dried our bedding on the line yesterday so of course we need to stay in it this morning and get it all less clean. Pretty confident we will manage to pull ourselves out later on to do more cleaning. The kitchen is much better. It's between the garden and the rest of the house so if the outside if pulling us it gets easier to keep it from getting too bad. There's plants, seeds and furniture on the way. That will definitely motivate. Lad has promised to assist with the bench that has been in the house in a box for almost a year.. Can't seem to catch CNN not being shit as much as we did. There's Al Jazeera of course if we can stomach the blood. Go for the bairns. How original. How brave. How effective..  Steady stream of meetings being exposed between Dumpists and wealthy Russians though on twitter. Bits here and there about European countries to. Not Britain so much. Expect that stuff with the important website going down and an important time and stuff co...

Ug Daddy, It's even worse with no contact with you are my sisters. I mean I know you and them are always 'here' but without real regular reminders that you and them are physically real it gets harder and harder to remember who I am.. ... "What about our mother?" We had had a feeling she was about to ask that and we had been trying to get the energy to get up and try and get away from it but she would of probably of just followed us or asked louder anyway. All the rest of us were in a post battle dissociative haze, coming down and coming down hard. Not her. She was up. Her brain only seemed to turn on when everyone else turned off. It was probably because that was the only time she could get a word in or could even hear herself but it did our head in. I'm not allowed to get into that until we are older. Says who? Well it's not so much as we aren't alive it's that we have enough to deal with and it would be best to leave until we are o...

How many writers? It might of been us you know. That was grabbed from that shed when three of us had escaped and were hiding and living there together. It had to be me because the other two were all too little and they wouldn't be able to protect themselves or the rest of us from the systems that bloke and his associates handed us over to. We hadn't had enough time to teach them or tell them enough, then hadn't seen enough. We hadn't counted on how much the other two would never let us go though and for how much of it it wouldn't of mattered which of us they had. At the centre of it all though was something we believed only we could face and if we faced and failed it would determine millions of years of more and worsening slavery for pretty much everyone everywhere. Some of the groups were running a line where they told us something like that, thinking it was fiction and they became so useful for us. It was believed they could learn more from watching us with p...

It's raining! Not a lot but enough to make coming back to bed and opening this up seem like the only logical thing to do. Had a peek out the back door. Same patten as last year and the one before probably. Spring holiday flattenedness that gets a bit better just before the schools go back and we are getting the rubbish and the weeds out the back garden while the dishes in the kitchen are piled dangerously and we are down to using bottle openers to get the tea bag out our tea. We washed some cups and stuff the boy needs most yesterday and there is a single steak left from when Niall was here for him later that will go down very well. Thought we would sleep better considering we did some physical activity, over smoked though of course and had to get up to eat the last of giant whole nut the shop was selling for £1:50, in the dark. It was fucking glorious. That combination of nutty savoury crunchiness and decent smooth chocolate.. The frazzles a bit late were a bit much for some of...

We got away with the money situation because of money going in early because of the holiday. Delivery food, wine, weed. All much appreciated. The lad as requested reading time be reinstated and we agreed as long as we get to choose at least half of the time, that way we can get him to read stuff we want him to read. The earlier end of screen and bed time makes it easier to agree to and probably is a factor in him asking to as well. Go him into Worst Witch last night. Think he said at teeth brushing time that he has just finished the third. They're not that long.. Did some gardening today. There is purple violas that have survived from last year in one of the hangers. The painted ceramic one so thats pretty cool. It's been quite an inspiration.  Got him to do some watering yesterday that always goes down well. Chucked some miracle grow about to. There is a two other types of survivors from last year (very hardy annuals?) The lots of little white flowers stuff which is st...

Lady from young carers charity was round. She read out the statement made by the social worker. Most of it was true enough, it did include things the police cornered us into saying when they forced their way into the house and of course describes me as being delusional about the trafficking. It was kinda surreal at times the way she talked about horrible pasts and cupboards you can't see the back off and throwing stuff in it in a box then throwing that box in the cupboard and then putting new things in front of the cupboard.. or something. She asked of course about family and where Pabs comes from and when it started. We didn't bother asking her to call us Rosie or Rosa. It probably would of helped us if we had though. She seemed to understand when we talked about dissociation though but I always get the feeling that when we are asked when it started and we say probably when we were tiny and pre verbal they think that makes what we are saying less likely. It could just be ou...

Kitchen is getting pretty bad. Went into town today though, not for long but it got the lad out the house. We are not any less triggered or heartbroken by the area we are in. If anything it's worse. Bro has been on our mind a bit today. The whole thing were he like everyone else was talking to people who weren't us and who stuck very tight to the script and didn't believe any of us on the rare times any of us got any where near him. The best we could get was for him to believe none of it. Its a bloody effective way to permanently destroy relationships that is to force you to listen to abusers and their projects convince someone you love that they are you and slowly convince them you are everything you are not over decades.  Think they had him phone us in hospital so they could listen and see what they could find out and the usual messing with our head and emotions. We had to go see him back when the three of us were together and conscious in Dundee can't remember w...

Ach we're fine. Just can't stop consuming. Chocolate and weed. Nipped out for baccy this evening we should of got it when we went to shop earlier but when we went back in the evening we went buy ourself and the air was nice, we got wine to. They have two French reds with a pound off.. Couldn't walk past that. That area was bare last weekend what with bloody Mother's Day. Got cheesy Doritos to. Got old El Paso salsa salad and wraps ealier on to go with the chicken that we did indeed stick in the oven for slightly longer than necessary. We should of cooked the pastry and made gravy to but we couldn't, could of eaten it if someone else had though. We did eat most of the wrap.. He had the instant mash the co-op does that is pretty fine and corn on the cob with his. Been spending on Amazon too.. with plans to spend more soon.. We have ordered tops for us and that as you know is really fucking difficult, we will see what arrives and if it fits, is a material that doesn...

How can we be almost out of weed we got a half ounce on Wednesday. Yeah it was a bit wet but still and maybe he ripped us off a wee bit but still.. We had someone witness a call. A call from a sister who was far far away. And in the hospital there was times when we knew exactly what was going on and what we were doing. Did we drug the other one and stick her in a metal box? Some prick asked "What's that?" as we wheeled her out to the transport. Can't remember what we said but he didn't question it and didn't check. Kept it very brief with the delivery people. They were supposed to be scum but weren't and we were all worried about doing something that exposed that. Then they were off. We went back in not worried about losing the struggle against programming and triggering and remembering the truth because we had done what we needed to do. All their messing with us would make us more anxious and confused which would keep all the abusers smug and satisfi...

We hoovered the downstairs hall and threw some bleach over both toilets. I'm not cooking that chicken or cleaning the kitchen but we took out the frozen bog we managed to eat the other day and will maybe chuck the chicken in the oven later. It's not going to become any more appetising by leaving it in the fridge. Think it's a become a bit of a tradition of ours that we plan a roast chicken tea for Easter Sunday that doesn't happen coz we like two years old being looked after by a six year old.. The question on our mind is how long would be prepared to be here like this if it meant saving one or both of our sisters lives. We only have answer to that, "not forever." and that leaves quite a lot of time. Where are we? April. Trump is doing exactly what we told people he would do and we believe that is triggering something but we can't remember what or if is going to make any real difference to us. Don't know if Brexit, May and right wing Europe stuf...

We cleaned round our bed and put new bedding on yesterday. Left some pens and our favourite colouring books next to the bed and when we doodled a little. Not sure how long it's been since we looked at our pens. Before Christmas I think. We didn't colour in. Just wrote stuff down mostly. We were thinking about how we would try and get messages to Julia. We heart you. When spelling even "we" and "you" was tricky because neither of us knew how. No wonder hearts, seeing them and drawing them is still such a thing for us when we used them when we were little to communicate with each other when we were apart. One of the things we did was write "I do not have a crush on my brother" and surround it with hearts and flowers. We were giggling half remembering arguments and teasing between the three of us. We were also so glad that we can giggle about it now. The whole thing with the tosser in the hospital when everyone had gone and things were about to go...

We were together with no one to tell us what to do or look after us either. It had become essential that we did that. For our own survival and that of anyone who truly cared for us and it was ok and good sometimes but really hard to because we were all so little and had to find ways to get food and shelter. They started getting closer and closer though it became harder and harder to keep the three of us safe and they got her. We were in a shed type thing she had found and tried to make homely. We had laughed together there. It was maybe how they found us. She was just so happy the three of us we together it seemed completely natural to her that we would be alone and adultless. They got her. He surprised us and grabbed her and pulled her away from me and Louise one day.  We didn't understand why she didn't or couldn't fight with everything she had and then we saw her limp in his arms and knew she couldn't. We thought maybe we could get her back then but Louise had her a...