Don't think you understand how hierarchies work mate..

There is another My Little Pony plushy on the way. So there will be three. A Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy on the way. We knew we wanted the next one to be yellow and presumed that would mean Apple Jack until we saw Fluttershy and decided on her instantly.

As is often the way during school holidays even day we hope the next we will be able to take him out to the park or into town or something but when we wake it seems so unlikely we either feel to awful or we feel not to bad until we think about cheerfully heading out there. How do we stay focused on the lad and not get narky, irritable with him out there?

How do we get passed what's triggered out there. All three of us never together or never together in a state where we knew we were together. That would be so horrible. Waking up just enough to see a sister and know that sister was just as lost without you but not be able to move or make a sound to wake her and let her see you were there and still needed her to.  There is a sense of LJ out there not just in those states, being a kid sometimes able to play along the paths in the woods but we are not LJ. Maybe we were supposed to be accepting LJ's past and internalising it more being here but it's had to opposite effect it always has. Sure it translated into nothing but massive anxiety but that made programming less effective. What ever "memories" we were supposed to be happening were barely noticeable over the extreme emotional and mental discomfort.

It's maybe to do with the stuff we were writing about yesterday, the lack of communication and different motives across the networks. We were not to be abused as "us". We were only to be abused in ways that happened or could of happened to LJ until we lost all sense of being anything else. We were not supposed to know this was being done we were not to remember each other unless the Russians wanted it and they would be in total charge of it.  In a fucked up thankfully sort of way the Scottish, the British, the American had different ideas. They all wanted to know for certain how many of us there was for one, how can you exploit something to the maximum if you don't even know how many of them there are to exploit?

"Did the Russian's really not know about Scottish Satanists?" We found ourself asking over and over. The Russians didn't think they needed to, this is Britain the Scottish Satanists were or should of been controlled by the English Establishment who likewise found it difficult to believe that anyone didn't do exactly as they were told. Convincing Russian Satanists that their was a powerful rings in Britain that were ancient and anti Satanic and were secretly helping us still makes us pretty proud. The evil things they appeared to do was just damage limitation they were doing what they had to keep us alive..That was the reason they could not get access to tapes of what went on with the police sometimes they were helping us and it was essential to Russian objectives that they no longer got this access..


At most levels, most people found it difficult to believe or even see sometimes that it was possible for someone to not do what they were told. They saw DID systems as machines that they built and once they were built pressing a certain button would always have the same result. They knew about some of the maintenance that went on but they saw it as just that, maintenance required by a functioning machine with moving parts. They could not believe the parts of the machine or the machine at all had any agency, will of it's own of self healing abilities.

We also found out by accident because of parts that we can't stop from answering questions truthfully that the more we told them about healing and fixing ourself the less they believed it. I don't know how many times we implied or gave them the impression that a certain gang or ring or individual was helping us when the opposite was the case because they would go out and stop them which sometimes meant killing them. If they had started working together we would all be dead or still alive and in the worst of it, full time drugged up sex slavery with a bit less drugs for the occasional blasts of something more cerebral or creative.

We could actually see it, the parts of them that could see and had seen that we were telling the truth but that part had been severed from the rest of them a long time ago, it was just there seeing, long since given up on being able to communicate or act on anything they saw. Someone of them even had moments when the saw that the people they needed to tell this to were exactly the people who maintained those internal chasms. If the Brits that handled them saw them even try to tell them what they knew it would look they were centring themselves that they were having an opinion about something and articulating it, like they were thinking for themselves and that wasn't allowed and not needed because the likes of me and my sisters had no hope what with what they and the Russians were doing to us.

They thought they were so big and clever fooling the Russians. The three of us would huddle, quake and keep our eyes dissociated to help them keep thinking that them fooling the Russians was something we couldn't bare the reality of because it meant the three of us would always been enslaved for as long as they wanted.

Scumbags and their intentionally unexamined exceptionalism required to maintain their relative social privilege will always be easy for anyone to manipulate.

Would give all three of us all laugh when Scots would say they would tell on us and it would all be over. That they could go up to them and tell them what was going on and the handlers would be okay with that and believe them. It wouldn't make us laugh when they tried though. It was all just sick.

We would try explaining it to them in as simple terms as we could, "right you know how you have power over us ..(then we realised the word power would be too abstract and took a deep breath) "right you know how you can do stuff to me and make people do stuff that they are not allowed to do you?"
"And the reason you can do that to us is because of the people who come in and help you, tell you what to do and stop us from defending ourself?"
"Well how it works is that those guy that come in and tell you what to do and tell us to pretend we doing what you tell us to do are allowed to do to you, what you are allowed to do to us. There is folk above them that get to do the .. same to them.."

At least once the response was perfect, maybe it was during the times when their programming had been infiltrated so gobs that usually spouted nothing but bile and shite started advocating for tolerance and respect. Not that you could ever get that with this particular scumbag gob to accidently say something that wasn't abusive the best you could get was,

"But you fight us. We dinnae fight them."

"It's a human system mate. Doesn't always work how it's supposed to."

"How do we make it work like it's supposed to?"

We told him whatever came to mind that he would believe might make us ore compliant but which we knew very much would not do that me or my sisters and was again stunned at his gullibility and lack of cognition.

Think it kind of snowballed and peoples who had been desperate for ways to help us started convincing abusers all over of things that were worth a try but would actually help. It got a lot better for a while. We would wake in the middle of the night to a sister howling with laughter and not pain it was beautiful. For a while.

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