April 17, 2017

Ug Daddy,

It's even worse with no contact with you are my sisters. I mean I know you and them are always 'here' but without real regular reminders that you and them are physically real it gets harder and harder to remember who I am..

...

"What about our mother?"

We had had a feeling she was about to ask that and we had been trying to get the energy to get up and try and get away from it but she would of probably of just followed us or asked louder anyway. All the rest of us were in a post battle dissociative haze, coming down and coming down hard. Not her. She was up. Her brain only seemed to turn on when everyone else turned off. It was probably because that was the only time she could get a word in or could even hear herself but it did our head in.

I'm not allowed to get into that until we are older.

Says who?

Well it's not so much as we aren't alive it's that we have enough to deal with and it would be best to leave until we are older..

We all looked over at someone when she squeaked and flinched because something under debris near her foot. It stopped and she moved on and the rest of us looked away. Chirpy was quiet and we were so glad for a moment then before it dawned what that silence meant. She was thinking and the longer she thought the worse the next question would be.

It didn't come from her. It came from Sombre sitting next her.

But I thought you knew everything.

We probably sighed and she was maybe about to say something else but we stopped her. It was a fair point and as good a time as any to address it.

Yeah but it's really deep down. Our sanity wouldn't be able to cope with how bad it's going to be and we have to fight hard and we won't be able to do that if some of the things that are going to happen are going to happen no what what we do.. It will make the programming worse and make it easier for us to give information to people who shouldn't have it.

They both made noises in agreement. Flincher was still wandering through the debris looked over at us. She was coming round. We were not completely convinced of all of it it. There was certainly some truth but we knew we had not figured out difference between all of abusive and supportive systems when it came it to people who said they were trying to protect us. We didn't really feel in a state to make any head way with it then and there.

Bro said something then. We had forgotten he was there because he hadn't been there for a while and because they had but all of us through stuff aimed at making us forget and bury all sense and memory of him. Can't remember what it was but it was really useful. One of us said we were really glad he was here and the rest of us agreed. He started crying and I we really started remembering him properly and we all ended up hugging and crying.

The transporter came for us not long after that. We were terrified they were going to take him from us but the guy said it wouldn't be happening yet. None of us cared how long for or what they were going to do to us next not in that moment we were just glad we were together. So glad. I and maybe more of us knew we had been told they would make us suffer greatly for any joy and happiness we felt no matter how or why we felt it but it didn't matter. For a while. They made him sleep in one of the changes when we got back think they said it was because it was knew to them. We didn't believe it we saw the way they looked at him. If bro knew he wasn't showing it and was curled up facing us and smiling with his eyes closed and we couldn't help smiling like that to.

He made it easy to let go of the worries over biological mothers and wars we would have to fight after we had survived all the wars we were currently in.