April 03, 2017

You know what would make me less suicidal? A bedroom that isn't full of Fascist pigs.

Achy. Restless. Weedless. Not sure where my next bit is gonna come from either. Worried that the pill has stopped working and thats us there again in pain most of the time again. Hopefully it will settle down. Again. Got that negativity or is it just realism that we get without.. So this is it then. The only way things will change is if I or the lad is attacked. We don't feel that completely about everyone, just everyone on Earth. Things have to be arranged well in advance and they didn't want me or any of my twins feeling hope lots of people worked together really hard to make sure me and the dude are not safe or cared for and I am most definitely not talked to. It's important for them that the lad doesn't see me get support and that I am in no place to talk to him properly.

Anyone thinking we should be proud of what we did achieve and the difference we made to other people at times like this is fascist enabling scum. Get rid of some of the unseemlyness but keep most of the consequences because they benefit the chosen and the privileged and to keep things secure. Make life even better for people who have lovely lives then go back to the depression and the isolation and the fear satisfied that we did all we could.. It's just the way things are..

yuck

She said sorry for giving up on us. She needed us to show her we would be ok without her and we tried and we probably quite convincing at times. We couldn't convince us though. Not for a second. It didn't matter that we were being told to think and feel that we already did.

Some times you would see worry particularly from Scots or gangs involved that we were too suicidal when that wasn't to happen or wasn't to happen just yet. There was no sense of concern for me just that our unscripted death would mean trouble and/or uncomfortable questions for them.

We had to convince Louise we wouldn't give in after she was gone. She needed it and we needed her needing us. There's no place to start now, no first thing to do.

They really seemed surprised that I wanted them to go away and not come back. Who or what had they been dealing with. But we knew the answers even if we didn't want to think about them. Poor Julia.

Sure lets look on the bright side. We were not impregnated through rape when on the pysch ward and have been left alone since. And yeah rooms, a roof, hot and cold running water, central heating, cash enough for food and other essentials..we are so ungrateful..