April 08, 2017

let it go..

We cleaned round our bed and put new bedding on yesterday. Left some pens and our favourite colouring books next to the bed and when we doodled a little. Not sure how long it's been since we looked at our pens. Before Christmas I think. We didn't colour in. Just wrote stuff down mostly. We were thinking about how we would try and get messages to Julia. We heart you. When spelling even "we" and "you" was tricky because neither of us knew how. No wonder hearts, seeing them and drawing them is still such a thing for us when we used them when we were little to communicate with each other when we were apart. One of the things we did was write "I do not have a crush on my brother" and surround it with hearts and flowers. We were giggling half remembering arguments and teasing between the three of us. We were also so glad that we can giggle about it now.

The whole thing with the tosser in the hospital when everyone had gone and things were about to go back to pretend normal and looks into our eyes and asks us if there was any chance of one or either of them still being alive. We did not feel in a position to be certain of anything and were mildy flattered that he thought we did. We weren't sure if he was just trying his luck or really thought we were in any condition to give him solid information about anything even if we had it. That we remembered how different our perspectives were and how much of the sophisticated crap used against us me and my sisters had been using against chumps like him for ages and how pleasantly and very drugged we were.

Was there something over twitter? We knew he need an honest answer and we were past creating anything anyway. So we talked a bit about how being alone in Scotland made us stuck in a permanent state of unknowing about everything. Knowing of course that he had been involved making that something which just got worse and worse and more effective over the decades. He had been involved in it and seen it work more and more so he knew we were not bullshitting when we said we couldn't remember anything clearly enough to be confident of it. 

"What about the twin thing?"

Where those his actual words? Whatever he said it took us a while to figure out what he was on about. We he could see buy the awkward turning away of his shoulders that he was not comfortable asking and by the way he looked at us after he said it that he was signalling he wanted a serious plain and speedy answer. Ah that twin stuff.

"They are cold. Freezing cold."

He left satisfied but we were more confused than ever and we wished for a bit that Julia's body was still there so we could check then realised if we had pulled something we would not of blown it by doing something like that. Freezing cold doesn't mean permanently dead. Not necessarily. 

All that stuff about it being an obvious choice to put sisters' life over mental health. We imagined that was what was happening last night and she has been slowly warmed up and brought round. Enjoying the peace and quiet now before she has to wake up her oh so chatty sister. Slowly waking up her brain.