April 18, 2017

..refused to allow us to maintain his life through unnatural means..

We knew. Before, after, during on various levels and never all at the same time. Someone tried to make us face it in hospital we hid from them but think he grabbed us and stared into our eyes, "Your Dad's dead. He died months back." Then he said something about that being the reason we were ill and in there using pretty stigmatising language. We came round then. We knew who we were in comparison to him. He was on the floor when someone else non friendly came in and asked about the guy on the floor. We were back sitting on the bed, all tiny. We said the guy said something horrible so we hit him but he was okay he would get up in a minute. He said something we didn't understand or hear and then left quite quickly. We looked down on the other guy. He wasn't going to getting up again and we knew that meant we were probably safe enough to sleep soon as no one would want to come near us. We tried not to think about all the drugs that were feat away and how much we were terrified of them in general but particularly in the hands of scary people.

There was someone less horrible who talked to us briefly about it sometime in the days after that. Think he might of asked us if we were all right and we were stable enough to say we were obviously were not. We have said stuff about Scotland and the role they had us in being permanently unsafe so often we probably managed to repeat some of that because we can remember feeling the hate rise in one of the guys with him and pity in the other when we did. We asked the guy we were speaking to look at the most basic facts about me and son's life and history and ask how we would agreed to or be benefiting from any of it.

He looked away, he wasn't disagreeing. The hater did. He said something noxious that gave the pitier a bit of a start and stare him instead of me. We were going to say something but then just let out a sigh and motioned towards the guy who said the noxious shit then looked back up the guy who we didn't hate enough that we would not be able to talk to at all. Not sure if that was a time when we said something. Something about if that was true what would talking to us like achieve or bring up some of the many many inconvenient to their fiction facts or if it was one of the times when we just remembered that 95% of the time nothing we could say would change there perspective it had to come from someone they knew, someone they identified with, one of their own and remained uncooperative until they left.

Was it a yearish ago? I dunno. Could be. If it's true. It was awful. Someone used to say he didn't like me and my Daddy being so close because it would be hurt us too much when we were apart. What utter bollocks. None of us bought it for a moment but some our sisters got tricked into it and very furious when they realised it was just more divide and conquer nastiness. It didn't matter that we got a little time to hold and weep with our remaining sisters at the hospital we could barely even see them we were just so broken. It mattered to the littles that we can't access on our own lots though.

We were also just so focused on getting through certain conversations with particular slavers/intel agents. We were split into parts that were able to deal with the associated traumas and ones that absolutely could not and we needed to show the petrified ones that the rest of us we were there now and could stand up to the abusers and protect them.

There was moments when people turned and left and we watched them collapsed on that hospital bed weeping in relief at being left there alone like that because other worse alternatives were so close. So fucking close.