April 25, 2017

Hi Daddy!

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself.

We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up laughing at how switchy we were and then apologising, you said it was fine and we believed you. It was so right we were there together. Being together in a psychiatry unit, surrounded by other patients and their normal niceness or indifference or obvious out of it ness, we were glad of that.

 Then we remembered that we used to always feel like wherever we were was the most perfect place for us to be in if you were there to and you noticed our mood totally change and asked. We felt that lose again. How it felt when we were still physically little to miss you all the time and know that every day they were taking us further from each other and further from hope. To survive all the abuse and torture as people tried to make us talk about you, give up on you, hate you, believe you were someone else. We managed to swallow down whatever they were serving and say we were remembering how much we missed you.

You let us see then, the state you were in to and wished so much you could of stayed in the hospital to. Knocking back whatever they gave us and letting whatever they said wash over us for a week or two and then get the bus back here together.

Later on one of the louder patients said something about you looking like someone, as people generally do. I can't remember what was said but we are pretty sure it resolved into laughter in ways it doesn't and hasn't much elsewhere.

The dudes are alright huh? We figured they must be but when we saw them we had no concerns like that anyway, just about them and that was good because that is what we are like its how we like to lead. It was something else when they brought out an non you before you got here. It was obvious, really fucking obvious none of them had a fucking clue what was going on, who each other were or who they were working for. It's was beautiful watching them loudly clearly figure out between each other who they should contact for instructions. We couldn't handle how well it was going at times then we remembered and just felt depressed. If there was anything different about this time it would have to be protected by us acting like there definitely was nothing different about this time. We have felt impressed by us before and not just when we forgot than we had multiple multiples running all kinds of support and back up we had forgotten about but when we are so awake and so know what we are doing. We cried a bit for whatever had us so awake and at the same time because we knew they were going to making things worse with whatever anti psychotic they were going to put us on and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get out from under them.

There were times we really wished we were in a better state to appreciate what was unravelling around me but we knew they take their clues on how they treat us by the way we are acting so we had to stay very focused on the art of keeping the mother fuckers guessing and remember only what we needed to when we needed it. We know us. We plan like fuck and we go over and over because we had been trained hard in that when little and it never stopped. And this was it. We were to old and had a brain with to many survivor pathways for this shit to continue as it was.

One of the most uncomfortable things this past while has been the blog writing and blog writing programming that went on. We know the external and internal battles about writing or talking about you have been major. Not everyone would be in a state to know that wanting to writing about you was fucking suicidal but claiming DID amnesia and a centre that didn't give a fuck about any of it seem to be more and more effective over the years. As was the large scale complex fiction production to. We can't remember the location or language but we were somewhere a few of us, somewhere we would all rather not of been but if we had to be we knew needed our eyes open, we must of been being cared for. Some bloke is walking us through some military type place and he's talking about "Soviet" style propaganda tsumanis and "we" being the one of us visible of the three or four armed,covering and none of us feeling out of our depth says "Soviet? Don't you mean Murdoch style?" and took a punch in the face that had us on the floor that we were too gallus to see coming. He was quick. Not for long though.

We didn't black out, we considered where we were then and there and the whole wider and wider awfulness that we were all in, what had just happened and what the options where. We actually programmed a computer that we sometimes used when we were not sure of ourself. Did we need to kill this person in order for all of us to survive? We turned it off because after awhile because it just kept saying "Yes" about everyone. We suspected some brother or other had been used to hack it but that bull. Someone suggested that if it got as far as asking it then we probably knew the answer and we agreed, it was so depressing though we so wanted there to be other ways and we worked so hard to find those other ways but any let up at any age meant instant horrific loss.

We all tried so hard to stop things we needed to tell you but couldn't to go to other,. wrong people but it wasn't always possible.

That morning. When you were sleeping after that night before and we knew you had seen and knew enough to not just be overwhelmed and destroyed by it as everything and everyone is if they do not know how it works. And you saw it. After all those fucking years. You could truly see us and we would see the whole us. And have to leave again of course. There was a finality to it. Not of me and you but of all that that we could never believe could ever be over. We could talk about it with you. We had completely forgotten by the morning that of course you did not come alone how would that be even possible.. But the look of him when he came in.. We didn't need him to say anything. We didn't need to see him break but he did and we were glad he did it there with you and me.

The parting though. We got all self centred and pissed that we had done all this work to get our mental health back and know we had to help it, you into the back of a car and watch it drive away then walk back into an NHS psychiatric unit.

We kept looking up at the sky. It wasn't bothering us we just walked you out the building on a niceish day with no cover.We said didn't we? About the wishing he could stay and we could enjoy the countryside and the views together then go home here get Pabs look after him and potter about in the garden. One of the lads had not seen that part of us before and was a bit shocked to hear us say such things but his colleague was a bit more experienced and I think was laughing at him, then we laughed about it to..

Maybe soonish.

Love you. All of you.

Through all the Satanism and hate and ignorance they could find, create from all over the world at us and we still ended up together in a bed clean and fed and safe in the centre of everything and everyone they believed was theirs, giggling about it.