April 22, 2017

"Mum you believe in love now?!"

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, not just physically walking around but her mind, it was alive and that meant there was hope.

Year later we were able to show her the history of how the abusers set up groups to capture and control anyone who was resisting or prone to resist and how the group that had groomed her had took the endemic rotteness and very long evil traditions and made out like there was nothing else. We knew that wasn't the whole story we had been given and were being given everything that people who were said to be incapable of resisting had kept safe, what they had nurtured, what they dreamed about in the tiny moments when genuine dreaming and wanting is possible.

She was heart broken and furious with herself for falling for it but we were able to show her in detail how it had saved her life and protected parts of her, we helped her have a much better understanding of DID and how levels and programming works and when she understood enough we could show her the work she was doing but was amnesiac of and how she wouldn't be able to do that work without those levels. She was worried that her now knowing would stop the work and we said there was no way those parts would be letting her take in what we were saying if they still had work they needed her to be unconscious about. They needed her awake they needed them all to work together. Then we reminded her that all her parts where just that, parts of her and waited for it to dawn and her dark eyebrows raise and eyes widen. What a fabulous moment.

My god her head was full of crap about the effects of trauma and dissociation we all had to work very hard but she was worth it, it was worth it. Besides everything we taught or figured out with her she would teach others.There was no way we could let them kill her but she had to know how they fought us and not just what we were fighting and once she had enough of a grasp she was easily able to surpass us, she was an adult after all an adult that isn't here. She ended up so soft we were scared we had gone to far and rendered her useless but it was just a stage she needed to be in, parts of her she had never been able to explore before and it made her utterly unrecognisable to them. We literally could go out to public places and eat whilst surrounded by them as usual and they were feat, inches away with no fucking idea who she was. That everything their work was focused on was sitting so close, unarmed and vulnerable while they were searching for something and someone entirely different. She asked what we were laughing about we said we would tell her later.

 My god we were so relieved when she found her centre and stopped acting, dressing, talking and feeling mumsy. It was awful. One of those things when something you thought you always wanted but could never come true and then it does and its wrong, just all wrong and you learn so much about yourself and what you need versus what you think you probably need.

Not everything we were told about her was complete fiction especially when we first met her and we were never one for genuinly believing it is essential for the people's safety that some people are tortured and enslaved but it surprises us when we can still be shocked by things. It surprised us to how much we maybe did think of her as "mum" when we found out her story and what happened to her here and was devastated. We kept telling ourself it was programming but we couldn't think of the source of it and couldn't unravel it. We had been told she hated Earth and we remembering being unsure if the Americans telling us this were trying to endear us towards her or otherwise. They weren't trying to but they very much did, it was one of those wacko systems where instead of being talked to be people who seemed nice but were working under people who were evil as fuck they were the sickos and the brief they were working under that was from a place that did not see things the same. Heaps of the stuff they said or made us do just made us laugh or undid bad programming. It was fun while it lasted.

We know this sense of people being so far away it doesn't matter if they are alive is unlikely to last forever. Of course it matters. We matter. Ze matters.