April 19, 2017

we call each other mummy you can be mum is that ok

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you.

A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly this year and take them in at night for a week like they always say to do. We went back to feeling really good out there, planting up the plugs, assembling the shelving that will hopefully keep stock seedlings out of cat range, tidying up, feeding and watering. We rearranged the hangers to which have been in the same places since last spring if not longer and that did so much psychological good.

The push for us to give out information on mother never ended. Being tortured by people asking about her when we had no idea about anything was just something that happened. There was quite a few hospital visitors desperately trying their luck by using triggers that did nothing and trying to confuse us about who we were. We laughed at them when a British bloke was trying to teach one of the women who worked on the ward how to manipulate us. "Dude we identify as plural and confused, that's our centre, reminding us of that is only going to help, thanks. Whatever the last cunts did to us totally messed us up and you just straightened us right out there cheers". . . oh the old pretending to be part that doesn't know they are swearing.. lol..It was the main most skilled programmers, those trained in rare techniques that were too valuable to have out and about much that we knew and mother knew we had to keep things hidden from. If we could keep them out then it would be unlikely any of the people under them could get what the Russians couldn't. 

We became so quick to dissociate majorly at the mention of or thoughts relating to "real mother" we would use it on ourself when needed not to be present. I think we did pretty good at not giving them information about her even during mapping years. There was so much disconnect between the rings it was possible to use whatever one group was doing to effect parts in ways that meant other groups would not get what they wanted because the parts they were after had become unreachable. As years went on there were so many layers put there by us and abusers that we rarely had to worry about saying something or thinking or feeling anything that related to her because we couldn't of got near any recollection or sense of any of it no matter how much we tried and how much we felt we needed to remember.

Sometimes it would get too much and one of us would feel close to giving whoever what they wanted so they would them kill us and it would be over but there was always too much that stayed too close to each other and to others to let that happen.

Every now and again we would have to go to her and get help finding ways so we could fix our system enough to function at all we were just such a mess of amnesiac and non able parts. She would help get our system to a place where we could function better and help us find ways to survive whatever was going to happen next but ze was just another fighter, another escapee, another expert in all this shit and we had to keep it that way.

They were always very determined. We always knew when one lot gave up another would be along soon enough. With the size of their systems they would catch things here and there that made some of them even surer she was still alive and still active. We knew we would have to be even more determined to not tell them than they were in finding out and that was going be the hardest thing we would ever have to do and we would have to keep doing it for a very long time. We persuaded her to be less active and let us do her work and let them catch us and tell them you had trained us and then left saying your probably would never be back. Which was hardly bull. The bull would be looking them in the eyes and persuading them we had no idea who she was and did not have ongoing contact with her when we did. It was one of those very hallow victories because we couldn't help thinking if they had not broken and split us and tried to kill us so much we would totally be giving ourselves away right now. 

Those "We have no mother" walls are still there in places of course but are being traversed. One patch of stuff that is definitely on the other side is why we feel so confident writing about this now.  The danger, the terror just isn't there any more and we are our usual 'yeah we knew this would happen/did we fuck what the hell are going on about/whateves usuals' self.. wtf..

What we told the Russian's about Trumps and what we told everyone about the Russians and Trumps being exposed as bang on can only be a part of it. Yep getting back into comfortably concerned territory now.. 

But we actually feel like things are going to get better.. its maybe just the antidepressants and the vitamin D and the internal communications but maybe its because things are going to get better without getting worst first.

(She prefers"Sir" though. Like us.. and she hates gender to. She tells us not to use 'he' or 'she'. It's great. I know your superiors will never change their mind about her but neither will we and we know her..)