April 01, 2017

Hey J,

My sister said we have to not think of you as a cunt. Struggling with uselessness because you care is not the same as being an abusive scumbag or wilfully ignorant It's been so hard to think of other people as real. If all you arn't real then neither was she and neither am I. We kept ourself in the state that both of us had to keep ourself in so much when we are here. If we were together and we were a fair bit and always worked out between us who would survive what ever was planned and the other would help her or take over after but we had to act like we were apart even when we weren't so much because they would see we were stronger and happier and know.

We both got really good at providing them with other explanations but it always depended on who was asking. Fooling Brits or Yanks was one thing but it took much longer to really begin to work the Russian and Eastern European sources.

We are quite sore today. Been struggle with taking the pill at the same time everyday. We went through a bad patch then had to stop taking the antidepressant in the morning because it makes us throw up when we do. We will put in into out phone if we can get it to work long enough. It's makes so much difference if we take it at the same time ish or at least not hours apart each day. The difference between being in pain and not being in pain basically.

Getting a new phone sorted seems as likely and considerably less fun than heading down the north face.  We will feel like that until we don't and then we will sort it. It deleted the twitter app and I haven't reinstalled it because we don't fancy trying the remember our password. We have the same issue with the tablet. Trying not to be too bothered that our problems dealing with anything remotely technical has not gotten any better. We are less triggered but by not being able to go near anything but that is all.

He's got pals round. Which is great for him but I do feel the pressure of being responsible for other kids. They seem pretty nice though.

"Take some painkillers and give the kids a chuck out time."

Yeah think your right.


Well we did that thing when we chuck the pills take in our gob throw back a big gulp to wash them down then discover we have lost the ability to swallow and threaten to puke instead. Wasn't easy but we got them down. Determination. The kids are being to well behaved to throw out and it started absolutely chucking it down so I couldn't throw them out in that anyway. Too sore to not smoke up here though. It's hailing now apparently according the racket against the house and the kids' excitement to get out in it. Typical Easter holiday weather.

Down to just the one bairn now. That's fine. I'm really fucking sore. Glad he got some interaction/outside time also glad he is here now and there is any one else spawn around. Even if they are great kids.

Not sure how much and how detailed the spoilers we gave you. Would of been a lot though. Not many people managed to speak to all three of us. You did so well. We really miss you.

Did we ever mention we are not a fan of U.S politics. They impeach Clinton for lying about consensual sex. Trump lies about non consensual sex, is and  is surrounded by traitors but we need more information before such serious steps are taken..

The slashing off abortion rights and social services during Women's History month..

The why he talks about nuclear weapons.

Spicer's refusal to condemn the violence.

The obvious dubiousness of the FBI. Think it looks quite obvious what the big boys decided when told to choose between white and male supremacy or me. Big shock. No one anywhere ever expected that! Other than pretty much everyone who has fought from each and every beginning of time.  Impossible to see the scale of the forest when you are a tree of low or average height..

You would ask about the plural and the beginning of time reference there wouldn't you? You are good at asking the question we would prefer to gloss over. It's not a multiple world thing but a some false starts, middles and ends. And we would tell you not to worry about the tech and the science isn't there any more. We would say it because we knew it would make her forehead furrow and its fun watching try to figure out what to ask next but then we would get stuck in a place between watching tell and show you everything and feeling it just wasn't possible and start feeling depressed.

You got a pretty full brief though. It became necessary that you did and we were so relieved that it was going happen and the decision had been taken out of our hands. We never know what to say to people when they get back. It's not that we don't know shock but we have never had that shock because we have never not been immersed in it.

"Ridiculous isn't it?" Or something of that ilk is generally the best we can do. We are usually prepared to let go of whatever personal relationship there may be at this point. It's too much for so many people to live in these cultures, have been exposed to the truth and see us somehow straddling both. Also cause people who don't feel like that make war commitments that we are mostly very proud and grateful to take them up on. I don't know how many people ask to fight to try and help me here, not many and of those that do we usually have to say no fucking chance you couldn't hack it, it will destroy you and that will destroy me to. Some of course are under orders and instructions from else where and it's fun watching them trying to apply it to the information and questions we would be giving them based on what we knew about what they were told.

It will never be the same of course. Not that before people know it can be based on anything but fiction and we tried to be the sort of person who would be happy with vast areas of hidden and obvious difference between themselves and others but when we know we spend so much time completely lost from any sense of ourself we can't convince ourself that pretending just for moresals of social kindness and affection is helpful.

We are thinking about finding your grammar and spelling absolutely stunning but are not sure about buying into it. Even if it's true doesn't mean our memories are .. even if the memories are completely real doesn't mean the people in them were actually the people they look like and all that endless exhausting bs.  But if you are and it's real enough then yeah the position is still open and no I don't think things are so dangerous or us so catatonic that it's not worth trying any more.

You want us to summarise what we have processed recently don't you?

Maybe later.

Ohh are we saying to us things as you things that you wouldn't say? Hmmm what can be done about that?!?