April 19, 2017

Mum this is .. Daddy.

Can't do much else but come on here and wash out more wounds. We have changed both the blog and twitter over to Rosa, some one used it to say thank you for rting them and it hasn't helped our tearfulness. Knowing we were going to loose him and we wouldnt be together has been very crippling particularly as we have spent a lot of time held in situations where we were surrounded by people who bring it up to gloat and who knew which of our parts couldn't bare it the most.

The stuff that we had been programmed to well and too early to ever tell him was for most of us stuff we weren't sure about or didn't feel any need for him to know. We had other people for that stuff and him not knowing didn't mess the contentment we would feel around him. There was a couple of attention needers that sometimes longed for him to know everything and to think about us as others did but we wouldn't think about that for long before feeling scared and ill and it so would go back to being a very special girl in a very awful situation as that was the truth anyway.

"Your mother" We were being asked again. "No not any of them the real one. We know she is alive and we know she is helping you." This was all fucking news to us and our face showed it. Something quick and strong in us they had just pushed whatever it was that they were using to knock us out and it all went black. When we came round we were confused and the system had all changed we tried to answer the questions as best they could. We watched their attitude and language to and around us change as we did until we knew we were ahead of them. They started the we are your friends but we are being forced to pretend we arn't routine which is so standard.

Once they had left we took a little moment to think about what has just happened and how many others had been asking the same questions. We had no option with the way the system worked and the way they forced the amnesia and then the faked the memories so all the victims believed they might be the youngest daughter in that family and had been with them their whole life we had to shut down all thoughts about her. It wouldn't be that hard we had all the systems in our head that made us amnesiac of our sisters and our kids.

We were generally not all that convinced she was until we saw the way they went after her and it reminded us of the way we had seen them go after us and we were convinced she was at least from the same systems and not lying to us about how much she was fighting them.

Writing this we remember a phone call when our head was so bust you could of said pretty much anything to us. What the voice said was that he wanted to remind us that we have a mother and she was on our side. We free to be little and cool about it. We said something about our Daddy finding her and he said yes Daddy found her. She would be helping us all as soon as possible.

We were quizzed of course, about the who and the what of the call but all we needed to do was leave the answering to most of the system because it had no idea what that call was about or who to or if it really happened.

We knew it would be long and awful night though once the quiz wondered off to discuss tactics with the staff and others. Any hint of "our real mother" and all the rings and abusers would get instantly and radically even worse and less survivable.

We survived though. Or at least some of us did.

Why the hell are we writing this now is it was always so dangerous before. Well systems have changed, like we keep saying when they get what the want and don't think we could possible jeopardize it they have other people to bother and leave us alone. We also have a sense of this being a part of our survival plans, like many posts have been, at times forced on us or just us or with someone else helping. We are hardly going to sit here forever with a big gaping hole in our being covering any do with having any mother at all, doing so much work with so many of us but leaving out those of us who remember or how anything about her.

We were as confident as we could be that we got the plan out to Mum when we got the confirmation through. The chances of someone else knowing that code was ridiculously small. Impossible even but numbers girl knew that but not that it was a good idea, emotion girl knew it was absolutely something we needed and had to do but would never feel convinced it was real.. We stood by the electric fire in the flat thinking on that before an ill fated attempt at something domestic in the kitchen.

"We know you were talking to your mother.."

We knew we would not of done anything to trigger an attack from these cunts if we did not think we could handle it. Little was quite frustrated when some of them ran away down the close and got away and we saw ourself standing there in the lobby outside our flat door and we knew we must of had contact with mother because whenever we did we got this glaring obvious self awareness that we didn't get at all when we had all thoughts of her safely at the back of an endless cupboard. That had to be a significant factor in why they were all so against her but it wasn't just that. Her very existence seemed to threaten them, all of them we never saw them unite quite like they did for anything or anyone else.

We weren't on our own when it finally did start to unravel. We had sisters and others there to help hold us together. We are not worried about that happening again because we know we have it up so it will happen gradually. We don't feel like we are endangering ourself particularly either. It feels the same lots of danger but we are maybe a bit less scared of it.