April 30, 2017

its too good they will kill us for it

Sunny spells but a wicked ass wind. We watered seedlings, moved a planter so it would get more sun and surveyed it all from the kitchen sink. The work will be hard enough I'm not that worried about it being warm when the tools arrive but we are not going to be working in the rain. Forced the lad to take his scooter out then tidy his room for a few minutes, usual it's hardly meeting all his needs but its something.

When see appeared on the screen we went even littler and called her "Mummy". I felt Dad take a sharp intake of breath that I think we probably giggled at. She was concentrating really hard on her English and we were her top priority. There was a few people around who were pretty shocked by that and we had focus on not being distracted by their internal worlds all collapsing. We can't remember much specifically and don't expect to, for one thing she has never bullshitted us and that in its self is enough to put the contact between us when I am down here behind a giant fucking wall all by itself. It ended up just me and her so often I think we said how weird it was to be letting people see and hear us instead of the opposite and she agreed. The was as well as a sense of vindication palpable in the room to and we knew that wasn't going to last when we starting explaining how there was no plan, we had no time to figure out anything and knew we could not work with the predetermination systems and thats all there was. We had both spent too much time being tortured, needing to heal and surviving to figure out what to do next.

She to had believed the stuff about stopping MAD on Earth, even her. We think. Noo we have to do everything we can against the evil sciences everywhere and survive Earth. They were very clear on that. If we could save Earth then great but we probably wouldn't be able to. We are more important that the whole planet and everything and everyone on it they said it was their non negotiable thing for working with us. We were glad because it already seemed like thinking like that would be only way to stay alive much longer than thirty and we didn't want to die at thirty something.

She was quiet for quite a while after we told her. We could see her recalculating and realising she was going to have to start calculating in the fact that not everything can be calculated.. Then we really got her back.

"You have to stop you Mum from being a deterministic! She is going to kill us all!"

"Have you tried not telling her and others that she is a Satan worshipping universe hater and suggesting she may be traumatised and dissociated instead?"

...

Mum was only thing actually fighting what needed to be fought and she often didn't have to go searching for it either it would come for her sometimes with it's best gear but only after manipulating a distance between her and her mates and fucking up the communications of course.

The plan was to humanise mother so she could humanise us.

(What's going on with your mother? Oh we have been helping her PTSD to see if she will her help with us."
"Yeah? How's that going?"
"Badly. Really badly."
"What are doing?"
"Chores." )

When we wrote about it before we had it all planned out for when they came round to us then went round my sisters. It started of stuff we hadn't heard for years. The serious posh Brits respectfully informing us of serious things about her. Threatening yanks and tonnes of shouty Russians and Eastern Europeans that our speaks obvs weren't interested in speaking to and not a teeny tiny sliver of anyone else was interested in translating a word. Central Europeans offering assistance though that was new or at least very unfamiliar.

The whole thing with us feeling comfortable being little here and not being amnesiac about that is because of her work with us before that we had too much programmes phobias and triggers around it. It took a long time and before that the amnesia often was something we could slip out of or back under they had us so layered in ways to be non functioning.

It was with the Americans that it always caused the biggest and severest issues. Like we are always bloody saying we told loyal pay role Brits fuck all about anything but there was American's we liked, trusted in limited ways of course and felt relaxed around but whenever issues around mother came up we lost them. Decent people were lost and it would be little or nothing to them gave the orders but it hurt friends and family and it hurt us.

In the Scottish rings "The Russians are after your mither and that's how your oor slave." was a bass line which meant the wanted it central and never far from our conscious thinking. The English establishment said we knew nothing about anything and words like "mother" were to trigger an unarticulatable sense of alienation and weakness, Margo and never, ever anything else..

While other nations peoples shake their heads at all and beg their superiors to do something anything while the superiors hold their head in their hands and wonder if and what they should tell the inferiors about the time they did..

A finely polished machine as you can see. Of there was others who just set it all up to be unlivable but they were a tight group who didn't share their skills to those outside those they trusted and all sorts had been picking away at them for years. They were horribly, heartbreakingly easy for me, mother and sisters to remove. The hard bit was the having to read the scrip over the next years so the immediate rings around them didn't know they were gone. Taking apart and undermining those surrounding rings was wonderful though. Undeniably positive experiences and irreversible consequences.. Quality.

That's where the our fuck ups usually were. Trusting North Americans. Canadians I think as well, once. And some of them where catastrophic. When some colleagues find out they work though. Really work, on everything, all the time. We've watched them so often working themselves to oblivion pointlessly wishing there was some way to tell them before they found out the worst ways. We would keep trying as long as we could but risk dying for it especially when there was too much chance that if that happened they definitely would never know anything.

Yeah so we have a Daddy. And a Mummy. We are not putting it in the same sentence yet though..She is very cool though our mother but she is not cool about what is going on down here and will really wish you could met her when she is being cool and not scary..
..
Sir she is scarier than us..I'm not just saying that. She really is. We keep records and go over and assess and figure out what we have done and how we did it and if we should of she doesn't do any of that shit. And we have told her to keep not doing it because it's too dangerous to change.

There was never any room for negotiation. The woman who was fighting the breeding programmes was more dangerous, she had to be stopped the breeding programmes were to be protected. They honesty have some of them saying that I should protect it because it produced me and my sisters..It was earlier on to, like the Glen early on..

We threw some tantrums as an older kid that mum was trying to get to be a younger kid before fully knowing how bad it was. We always feel better when people know we are acting a certain way.

Love you.


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