April 21, 2017

What's Love?

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters.

We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were not my friends they would just want to use me themselves I would have to figure out a way to get away from them once they got me out to get to people who were friendly. We have tiny flashes of it. The blackness and whole bright anything looks against it. She's right this place is massive. The people. Loud and shifty and sweaty. Our tiny hands looking even tinier against the controls and machinery. Our ridiculous brain. Figure out this. Don't think about that. We remember heat and orange above us and looking over our shoulder to see there would be no survivors as we flew on. Mum or someone had said it was the only way.

We had no idea what to do now. We just wanted to cry. We were so tired and got so far and did as best we could to follow mums instruction about what to do where and when to hide, where to refuel (friends with bigger hands had to step in at that bit but I wasn't to tell mom because she would not believe they were ok and they weren't certain they were anyway). We had said goodbye when we really didn't want to because it was to risky to do otherwise and done the rest ourself but now we were here and mums friends were feat away but we were stuck staring at the thing that was between us. "You need to make a noise" it came from somewhere and it helped us get our feelings together and focus on solving the problem. We remember someone new banging on the door of the room with there hands when someone else was chocking and turning blue. We tried something like that but it wasn't very loud, more like soft thuds we were not sure anyone would hear then we heard movement from the other side. 

We took a few steps back and started shaking and panicking again, thinking all I had done was transport myself to other horrors. Horrors without my sisters. We were stunned when the door opened. He looked kind of confused, maybe a bit angry as he stared out way over our head. He was shaped like the evil people who had us at the place and who helped us get out but he also somehow looked completely different. We couldn't help seeing he wasn't omitting evilness, it didn't hurt to look at him and that did weird things to our brain, to our everything. We stared up at him all the shadows on his face, there wasn't a lot of light and it seemed to be becoming less all the time and it made him look like a picture.

He looked around a bit more than turned around and shut the door behind him. We stood there for a bit trying to process what had just happened before realising we needed to try again. He came quicker this time and looked even more confused/angry than last time. We realised we would have to make another kind of noise but wasn't sure how and got as far as a gulp and a squeak before he looked down and saw us and gasped, fell over, grabbed me held me, stared, held me some more than carried me inside.

We hated leaving our sisters in that hell and hated not being able to tell them much but there was no future except the worst if I didn't, it would be their turn soon enough though and we could tell parts of it to their parts until then and that would help them even though they wouldn't know why. Well most of them. We saw the girl we were closest to was pretending to be asleep when we left. We wanted to talk to say we would be back but couldn't, we thought about her lying there a lot and missed her lots and lots and wished it wasn't so awful there.

We were not sure we had ever been with people who made us feel like it was okay to be a child before. We were surprised at how easy it was and how easily they disarmed us. On the journey they didn't understand when we cried what was wrong we didn't understand why they thought we were crying because we were thirsty or hungry. We were crying for our sister. Someone figured it out/got it out of us and instead of offering me stuff he just wrapped his arms around us for ages. He was saying stuff but we didn't bother trying to figure out what we knew we didn't need to, it sounded nice and good.

We saw her before she saw us. There was no way to tell her we were coming. Everyone in the hanger and through the building stopped and stared as the small group carried us to her. She was sitting, working. We are shying from remembering what she looks like. "Masculine" maybe if we were to use shitty here culture and we would rather not but can't access much else when embedded and abandoned here. She was so surprised and happy, once she was sure it was us and we hadn't been traced. We knew it was a good sign if she was happy and amazed with us. She did not agree to me going back but she had to accept they would loose what they had there and that couldn't be risked. We said we had to go back for our sisters to, she said they were not like me and we said we knew and "not yet". She smiled but only because she couldn't help it. She said it was my choice, they would be prepared to keep me there and fight as best they could and at the time we thought they were saying that because they didn't know what would happen if they had tried that but when we were older we understood that wasn't the case.

Any tiny remaining trace of a part of us that believed what we had been and would continue to be told about her disappeared when we saw her puke as the doors of the transporter shut to start the journey back. We hated that we only fully felt like that now we were leaving and it would be years before we saw her again. We were terrified we would go back to that place and still feel like a child and expect care from the adults there. We shouldn't of worried though because she was with us enough and our sisters knew enough to help us. We felt so proud when one of the guys carried us back in there pretending to be someone else. Once he had left they stared at us and asked us what had gone on with them and how we got out, asking why we looked so well. We just stood there and blinked at them like we were just a little kid and had no idea what they were saying, possibly peed ourself so they would believe we were all traumatised and so they would kick us out of there sooner so we could see our sisters.

Couldn't help a pang of guilt when we saw how physically different we had become. It was weeks, months at the most where I had been eating regularly and not being beaten, raped, tortured or experimented on and we hadn't seen how bad a state we were all in when we were all the same. We cried then, really cried and felt and heard it to. I think we managed to say we loved them. It might of been the first time. Mum had said it to us, so had lots of the other people we were glad to share it with those that had been stuck there the whole time. Telling everyone stories when we could about it seemed to really help everyone for a while and it helped us to.

After a while they split us up and we started being brought here but it was known they were going to do that so there was usually ways to make sure none of us we completely alone for too long. Usually.



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