April 07, 2017

particularly tasty spag bol actually

We lost it and shouted at her. "Your gonna die over THIS." She just cried and we got it together a bit and cried to and said we were sorry. We said we knew it wasn't over this as much as it was what she had encountered when she had done the work for this. It's an area that hazy to us now not because of it's complexity as much as it's ongoingness. The paper, the issue was today, we believe about the security for leaving the house and going to something outdoors with adults and children. Here. So she would of encountered the hate and the dangers that are organised or threatened for me and the lad and how hard it is to do anything about it. We knew it was the combination of where she would be if she was still alive and the life me and junior has that was too much. She often said no though. That it wasn't that it was just what was happening to me. She could survive anything they did to her for no matter how long if I was ok. They got one of her littles on it when she was little.

Stop fighting us and we will leave your loved one alone. The oldest profession. She would of known that is always crap but an injured, sleep deprived, starved, in shock, dissociated little little. No one can keep it up and we never manage to get near that little enough to help her there was never enough time and all the traps they set up to stop us were too awful for us both to deal with for any length of time in one sitting.

It's always easier to bare something that happens to yourself and not someone else. Someone who is you and represents you and everything your not and you love and have always loved.

She said she had to get me out of here and she couldn't do it while she was alive. She beat us down with endless truths again and again.

"But how I am supposed to survive without you?"

"I will make sure you will. We will make sure you will.."
..

Why only one of us? Was the only thing we could ever say to that lot. There was never much contact anyway and not just because that was the only we wanted from them and it was the only thing they could not give us an explanation for that could ever be enough. We tried looking at it from all angles but would always only feel more and more convinced it was Satanic as fuck. To give and tell a person who is one of three everything and give the two nothing. So they grew up knowing who would definitely die young and who might not. They grew up being told over it was their duty, the reason for their existence was to die so we could live. It was the programming they were getting while we were being told they didn't exist. Offering us  us more of what we didn't any just convinced us even more that everything those people had was either stolen or made up and they were planning nothing good.

There had been a lot of years of trying to find out if there was anything about them and whatever they had that wasn't satanic and we knew we had found very little but if this lot had not been there since the beginning they had close so getting rid of them would not be easy. Actually is was the opportunity rather than ability or anything else that had been the biggest issue because the first time we tried for real it happened. They were gone for ever and we were hit with so much so extreme flashbacks we were completely knocked out. I have no idea how long we were dangling there out of it for as so many parts released their worst all at the same time.

We had figured there was something/someone else because what we were was not properly explained by everything we already knew and because anyone and anything that decided my sisters had to die for the greater good was something or someone that could of made us. Nothing made any sense at all when we even considered any of it as a possibility and there was no hope of getting out when we did.

Well whatever it is, they will find me. There are going no notice the absence of that big thing between us and would be on there way if they could. It made sense to rest whenever possible and we had no option but rest anyway. We would remember if and when they got here and if they didn't we would be ok. We would pilot ourselves somewhere else and think of something else. Right now - Rest.

Don't think we got to rest long though. We do remember opening our eyes briefly and taking in that stillness and silence that is so pure it breathes and breathing with it. Not long after that they were there. And there wasn't any silence or stillness it's was very tricky making up something and caring enough to make something up about what we had been screaming about. ("Flashbacks! Yeah.. Sir it was cause of the flashbacks. Probably. Can't remember.").

Yeah this is more like it. This made sense we remembered now. We knew that. You don't have to work your brain into contortions to try and understand it. It was just obvious. Lots of very bad and very good news to share. But they knew us. Us at the top of our game. So they knew everything we needed to hear. We didn't like when they did that thing that made us think they weren't there or had just disappeared to remind us how easily it can be done and because their sense of humour is bit messed up. We couldn't hide how much it scared and triggered us which then devastated them and that was devastating to hear and see. We remembered being younger and tougher and doubting if they good being any use they were far too soft, then we got flashes of the time all that was obliterated and those parts of us learned that being bad and causing suffering was not necessary at all and there was something that could be done. We remembered the extremes of heartbreak and relief in their crying.
..

We can't go out there can't let him go any distance without us. It's so shit. To an organised activity. Hope he takes it ok. We are not gonna bail on the spag bol though we are not that bad. 

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