May 15, 2016

..already out..

Might as well try and write something to distract us, still no spliffage.. Was watching tv for hours, wish we could get into a box set that would hold us a while. So hard though when we dont know what to prepare our self for. We were up for some Daily Shows and Last Week Tonight's though and was really laughing which makes the pain worse but its laughter and its needed. There wasnt too many nasty surprises for us. Think porn was only mentioned 3 or 4 times and we watched quite a few episodes. Indeed popular culture is not a safe place for us. We must of been feeling pretty strong a while ago cause we gave both Broad City and Californication a go before we had to give up on them because the way sex is handled. Lots of stuff we loved but we could tell by our reactions when we were stabler there is no way we could manage usually. There will be plenty episodes of both that we would really enjoy but we wont know until we watch them.

So hard to escape the sense of total exclusion. Cant look at TV listings without remembering being told there was no culture for us, it would all hurt us and seeing all that tabloid sensationalising of serious issues and general debasing of human bodies and minds we often cry. Think the hormones could be pretty bad but we dont need to be premenstral to feel premenstral. Lots of our biological systems never had the chance to know what it is to function "normally".. We need to keep telling ourself that this might not be for long and definitely isnt forever. Its dad we are crying for mostly today but always our kids to.

Surely we will get to sleep early than last night. Pretty standard cannabis withdrawal that though. Eating also a bitch. Did eat what we could though, the constant fucking screaming for decent food that even if we could remember how to cook we struggle to stay on our feat for too long and just keep feeling to little to be cooking meals, too little to be on our own so much.

We remember opening the cages of all the animals being kept for experiments and training and porn. We did a few times, it was a good way to cause a distraction. The main reason though is how it made us feel, especially that first time it was the best feeling like we had freed ourself. We just stood there breathing before anyone had realised with all the animals crawling and running around. It was maybe the first time we really felt like ourself and what is was like to be in our own flesh. The first time we knew who we were. We got the same feeling after we told Mum and the trooper what we had done after the surgery. Trooper was driving, Mum in the passenger seat and me behind, no one was saying anything but I feel the relief in Mum and see it in the way she was sitting and her smile, even though we couldnt see it.

I dont know "how old" very young. About 2. Very young anyway. We had to use some of the stuff she had us taught to do evil to open the cages we could reach.

We definitly associate with a male voice, maybe a face who possibly planted to idea in us. Cant remember the exact words but he said something about them not being able to put me back in a cage after that and we understood quite quickly that he wasnt talking about physical cages cause we were sure as hell going back in them, he was talking about our mind our hopes our imagination.

He was right. They couldnt take that feeling away and it would of been a priority. They could make parts that didnt know and work to keep them that way but we were and are always working to introduce and connect parts to each other but thats much easier now they arnt able to watch, torture and manipulate our DID on the same scale as has usually been the case everywhere.

"I'm already out." She fucking hated it when we said that. She would go mental trying to find out who was training us but after she had got it out of us before we found or were shown ways to stop her and her cohorts'  techniques from being so effective or even working at all.

Watching the shows tonight talk about the rise in misogynistic, racist, murderous. genuine right wing nut jobs coming to power and someone talked about it being related to aspects of the middle classes feeling threatened and how the characterisation of Trump supporters of uneducated under classes is bullshit. It reminded us of conversations we have had with people we respect, with the all the relevant information laid out before us they were in positions to see it more clearly they werent being hurt as much as we are and they would talk about all this shit in no being the rise of anything new but the death throws of something old. Its definitely a better interpretation in terms of ones mental health.

Its not hard to see the backlash against inclusivity from people whose identity is based on exclusion especially with media/entertainment industry that is constantly pushing it. So pathetic though like spoilt toddlers or abusive partners - if we cant have the world then no one can!

Oliver did a decent sized piece on scientific studies that we really liked. "No Nobel prizes for fact checking." and how terrible the media are with "studies", lectures at Uni covering the same thing were in even more terrifying detail. Scientific method is the ideal and its been abandoned. Not enough instant dough and it doesnt always give the data or answers that are most convenient.

Ah Earth. Your such a fucking disappointment and thats not just from us, its from a much wider us to.

Get it together.