May 26, 2016

"So what was it? A ship or a plane?"


Got really sore, weepy, irritable, little for most of rest of day. Was very proud of our self for sticking on the oven and putting together chips and scrambled egg with beans and salsa for us. Just too fucking sore. Dont particularly want to write about the kinds of causes we are sharing within ourself. We dont mind saying that in the moments before Rebecca dropped permanently we were standing very close to her. We told those there that it was Rebecca but to say it was Louise. Remember seeing someone tell a uniform it was Rebecca but he was outnumber and talking to someone that was friendly enough to either already know or not give a fuck. Then we saw by the awkward questions about how he knew that, what he was doing there and where I was before standing close to Rebecca before she dropped.

He was floundering and said I saw us being raped on the other side of the street, we said we didnt we had been raped that afternoon but we had been hurt and it had been attempted. When he described the rape scene we said that wasnt us it was Rebecca and she lived and worked with and for those guys for years and we heard her agree to it before hand.

 It started out during times when we were so dissociated and drugged we didnt know what was happening to us from one moment to the next and they would tape other girls and say it was us. Later on they were all about keeping us in a state where we remembered good times with the other girls when we were little and being victims together and none of the bad so the girls would be involved in stuff like in front of us just to trigger and fuck with us. "It's just sex work Julia."

She called us Julia as well. We had stopped them calling us Louise. But there was no budging on "Julia". As well as lots of the stuff they wanted it to trigger calling us that also brought back her associates in me and Pab's flat and how they went through various names to try and stop us from shooting them. Sam started she was closet in the doorway of the living room a couple of feat away every bit desperatly needed her and the memories she brought with her to not be there, our flesh was in agony, confused, terrorised, nauseous and angry at her smell and what we could see of her features by the patches of street light coming from outside.

She called us "Louise and maybe started saying something in her evillest voice when our training kicked in and we sorted out our stance and she wasnt saying anything. At least one of the other called us that to even after Sam was down I think. Ann was next she was near where the dirty washing mountain usually was. She was trying various names, as we stepped out the bedroom into the hall, maybe "Mia" and some ring handles and Julia..nothing that didnt just make it all the more easier. We saw where Francis was at Pabs bedroom door when the hall was briefly lit again twice.  Francis was left alive and she called us "Julia" and then when it was obvious that wasn't going to work she shouted "Rose" when the other two were both dead. After calling us Julia. They would rather die than call us by our own fucking name.

Not that it would of stopped us because we knew what they were there for and we knew the kind of kit they were carrying and how it was going to be used on me and Pablo, just that they stuck to their orders right to the end like that. Francis being the only one who could bring herself to disobey orders or was allowed to use it but only after the other two were down and we were aiming for her.

Not real people.

There was to much going on when we were told the autopsy results for it to register properly but would love to hear it confirmed again that bits of their brains had been scarred or removed during childhood and if anything else had been added. We remember having to sit down, not so much at Sam because we remembered she had be done in the compound but particularly at what we were hearing about Francis. Horrific.

It was the way the uniform stood in a way that we could see the look in his eyes when he started asking how I could of killed her after walking up behind her when no saw us touch her and there was no weapon and no sign of any injuries. Happy little bubbled up for the first time in ages as we watched him and we felt really safe and hopeful for a little bit sitting on the curb before we had to go off and go battle.

If I got them to stop being involved in plots to rape, murder and keep us enslaved then they would kill them. If they continued we would end up killing them in self defence.

"Just go. Leave us alone. I'll forget about you. You forget about us. There's plenty ways to make money without torturing us and little kids."

"They wont let us."

Louise died the same day as her sister in August 14. We believe. At time of press.. She thought she could go off and live happily ever after on our work and leave us in the hell she was used to create and then helped keep us in it. We said goodbye and "I love you" to her fabulous little then she got in one of our shinnies and was pretty much atomised when she tried to pass through one of my gates with her in it.

She was chipped and we were glad when we got a call from an less familiar American accent in unfamiliar building saying her signal died and she almost certainly had to. We said what we knew, not sure if we were about to be threatened with the might of American and Allies military and intelligence strength but were disappointed when he apologised. We asked if he was saying sorry for her death or the state she was in, he said the state she was and possibly for the loss of the hardware which we had noted certain parts were smarting over..

We heading back up the stairs when he said something else, something we all liked a lot and felt very relived for the future.. He was annoyed that we wouldnt be able to just remember and keep what he had said in mind for the next few years but we explained that was part of what we were fighting. Think thats when it hit us when we had worked with him before and how much we had needed to tell him so much more but had been prevented.

He had been totally manipulated into a place of basically thinking decent folk were the evil ones but once we told him to listen to some of the folk that were there we knew we could start getting him up to date but that was going to take a heartbreakingly long time.

Sometimes we do feel like we are going to run out of emotions because we have used up out life allowance of them..

Think we may of been cajoled or it was at least suggested by someone that we phone Louise's head pimp/handler in a gangster tool type manner and demand he pay us for the price of the ship as a way of declaring her death..

It was very cathartic and utterly erased any remaining "but they are my friends its not their fault" guilt and helplessness and terror and so many other programmed emotional states designed to keep us their victim and stop us from exposing them to anyone who would be a real problem. Very successful in all the ways for a long time but not so much any more or writing most of what we have written and been remembering sadly but mostly calmingly over the past few weeks.