May 09, 2016

nothing but anger and hate

There never was any associations with her that weren't awful. To some of us the first we knew of her existence was when blokes told us and told us she was the reason we had to do what they said. Those wtf did you mean to empower us there and we have to pretend otherwise or did you really think this information would hurt us? Abusers never understand DID much. 

We had been totally fucking lost we remembered nothing until they triggered it. I think in the early days we followed the encouragement from people who hadnt hurt us yet to talk and work with American's because of her position there but we were never comfortable with only speaking to people because of the help they could give us anyway and probably wouldnt of gotten any where if everytime we talked to someone in USA military intelligence we had some conscious inkling or knowledge about her. Different with the Brits though, think we avoided all conversations with them unless we had enough to at least bluff it. There was always a much truer sense that we were having real conversations, doing real work and being really heard with people who didnt know and the Brits almost always knew something and knew who they worked for and it would never be us if we kept saying no all the time.

Her way of letting us know she was on to us was to have whoever we had been speaking to us say that they knew who our real mother was.. 

It was so awful. The only strength we got was from the double agents who did ridiculous work and taught us how to move silently and from knowing our job in life was to take her out and nothing anyone said would of changed it because she was be making our life horrific and unliveable the whole time anyway. There were times it might of been possible before but for the 'this is what will happened to you, this is what you will do if you die before me' programming. In the end we accepted that we might not live through that but we had no life and no hope of one anyway so we had to do it. 

I dont know what happens next. We just keep seeing our Dad, young and naked and begging her not hurt us again and knowing what it felt like to go through our childhood and our twenties knowing what she was doing and what she would do to us if she found us or found us awake. 

Another stunning day again. We are looking out the window at a tiny sliver of moon above the trees as they burst to life against a powder blue sky suffering intense urges to drink some kind of gravy and feeling like a disgusting traitor because we cant confidently name all the trees. Its not that great out there. Not without the right people and even with them, houses are good, beds are good, fridge freezers are good..