May 02, 2016

of course

There is hardly any dirty dishes. This is good because the draining board under the rack really, really needs a proper clean but there is always to many dishes on it and stuff around it to clean it. Cooker top got cleaned to so the cream cleaner hasn't been left to harden and need knife plus more cream cleaner to remove. The kitchen flooring really is a mess, vinyl that's ripped and disintegrating in places. Its a decent sized kitchen though replacing the flooring would be out of our budget and capabilities at the moment.

Thats not a gripe. Well maybe it is. Pain gets so boring. Reintegrating gets so tedious. Trauma gets so extremely tedious. Being lied to about life and death matters constantly makes us physically sick. We haven't took well to being alienated from our family, friends and identities either. We have good reason to gripe.

And to want.

We used to hear it in the studios, we were being forced to give them music by people who raped us sometimes and sometimes a lot for answering back so there was a lot of abuse language and attitudes around, "Becky". We would switch to Rebecca but she would end up telling them to call her Rebecca and they would snigger. At least one time we saw someone who cared about us give someone a beating for calling us it. Blokes who werent as into the slavery as others would call people out for it.

We were a fucking slave. We didnt listen or care much about the different fucking terms of abuse differnet groups who bought the contracts used by make them self feel better about it or egg each other on during assaults.

None of them were as smart as me, none of them could fight like me, or were trained in everything like us, they were mostly broken, acting on whatever hunger they were fed or following instructions as best they could longing for it all to be over and they could be back in their beds pretending none of it happened. None of them loved my Daddy like me and no one could take care of us like he could, he really saw us, all of us and that made being around him make us feel so happy and strong.

 Some of us loved to see him talk to other girls that were being presented as maybe me and treat them well when no one else was going to talk to them like that. We wished we could of helped him help them more. Others just resented them for stealing precious seconds with our dad from us. It was different if we got to see a lot of him but that was rare so we needed all the time with him we could get.  The organisers would stand around grinning, watching as the bright ones turned in on themselves and the shadier ones turned on each other and whoever was even more helpless than themselves. We wouldnt get any time with him if we didnt do what we were told though, things were usually that bad or worse.

They would throw us together sometimes when the brutalisation and/or drugs were extreme and full time so we wouldnt recognise each other. We were so dissociated we wouldnt of been able to recognise our selves but we could sense we were safe with each other and would want to live and fight or at least survive a bit longer.

We saw the worry on them it caused. We saw it in Jacqui to. We were not responding as expected, as required. It was always good to see their plans fall to pieces in their eyes. Even if we didnt know that was what we were seeing. I dont know how many Wall-E moments there has been. When we got to each other and the close contact is eventually enough to bring us back. Little spark of humanity. The same happened with us and our offspring and other peoples offspring.

Sometimes it has to be my Dad though and it knowing that about us makes them feel pretty invincible. That and the systemic preference for rapists over rape victims and superficial values are easily manipulated to hide endemic gross exploitation..

They wanted us to have some kind of sexual intercourse, of course coz they are broken satanic fucks who would enjoy that and believed great money and power would come from owning the footage. They never got what they were after and had to try and convince us it had happened with footage of other people. We would marvel at how sometimes it included adults who were consenting, even in our teens after all those years of it. That same puzzlement.  They did rape us both together as well as apart a lot though over all the years. Of course.

I love you Daddy.

Think I remember you at a waterpark. Your hair all wet and weighed down. You took us down a water slide basically just to scare us back into our own skin and get us to notice you and see how you kept us safe.. It worked.